Wednesday, November 18, 2009
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
H. W. Westermayer
The pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts… nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.
William Jennings Bryan
On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.
I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.
Coexistence… what the farmer does with the turkey - until Thanksgiving.
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.
Erma Bombeck, No One Diets on Thanksgiving
What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.
It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular.
Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful ‘in general.’ It’s very strange. It’s a little like being married in general.
It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with ‘gourmet’ status.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs
Thursday, November 5, 2009
little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
Have you finished off the first one?
Eaten it too?
What happened to the other one?
The other turkey is now reading our conversation, boss.
If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want?
Ans- It simply wants to run away.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
Ans- God save the kin.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
Ans- Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
What will a turkey with a dramatic bent of mind say to another turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
Ans- To be or not to be roasted, that is the question.
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
What key has legs and can't open doors?
Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a turkey!"
"I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this problem?"
"Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954..."
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language
What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving
How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!
Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it
Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape
Saturday, October 17, 2009
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
I love every bone in your body!
A werewolf joke
Why did the small werewolf bite the womans ankle?
Because he couldn’t reach any higher!
A werewolf joke
What happened when the werewolf chewed a bone for an hour?
When he got up he only had three legs!
A witch joke
What did one witch say to another when they left the cinema?
Do you want to walk home or shall we take the broom!
A witch joke
What makes more noise than an angry witch?
Two angry witches!
A skeleton joke
Why don’t skeletons play music in church?
They have no organs!
A skeleton joke
Why wasn’t the naughty skeleton afraid of the police?
Because he knew they couldn’t pin anything on him!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Q: Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?
A: She had to give a screech.
Q: What is a witch with poison ivy called?
A: An itchy witchy.
Q: Why did the witch's mail rattle?
A: It was a chain letter.
Q: What is a witch's favourite subject?
Q: Why does a witch ride on a broom?
A: Vacuum cleaners have to be plugged into the wall.
Q: What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
A: She flies off the handle.
Q: Why do witches think they're funny?
A: Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
Q: What does a sorceress wear?
A: A bewitching outfit.
Q: What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
A: You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
Q: Who has a broom and flies?
A: A jelly-covered janitor.
Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A. A sand-witch.
Q. What do you call a witch's garage?
A. A broom closet.
Q. What do you call two witches living together?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
To improve his bite...
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners
are too heavy...
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...
What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...
What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Hiding From the Cops
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."
The Ultimate Sacrifice
There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.
Monday, September 28, 2009
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How does a man show
he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Friday, September 25, 2009
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Monday, September 14, 2009
Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned at spring training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong."
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?
Because it said "concentrate."
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who is the oldest?
The blonde, because she's 18.
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
How to trouble a blonde:
Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool!!!
Why did the blonde tell her Pastor under no circumstances would she have more than three children?
Because she heard that 1 out of 4 children born in the world is Chinese.
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
The power went out for 5 hours leaving twelve blondes stranded on their way to the second floor on the escalator.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday Buddy"
Sunday, September 6, 2009
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Every square inch of the human body has about 19,000,000 skin cells.
Approximately 25% of all scald burns to children are from hot tap water and is associated with more deaths than with any other liquid.
Forty-one percent of women apply body and hand moisturizer at least three times a day.
Every hour one billion cells in the body must be replaced.
The world record for the number of body piercing on one individual is 702, which is held by Canadian Brent Moffat.
The small intestine in the human body is about 2 inches around, and 22 feet long.
The human body makes anywhere from 1 to 3 pints of saliva every 24 hours.
The human body has approximately 37,000 miles of capillaries.
The aorta, which is largest artery located in the body, is about the diameter of a garden hose.
The adult human body requires about 88 pounds of oxygen daily.
It is very common for babies in New Zealand to sleep on sheepskins. This is to help them gain weight faster, and retain their body heat.
An average women has 17 square feet of skin. When a women is in her ninth month of pregnancy she has 18.5 square feet of skin.
The width of your armspan stretched out is the length of your whole body.
41% of women apply body or hand moisturizer a minimum three times a day.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Waterproof tea bags
Braille driving manual
Screen door on a submarine
Helicopter ejection seat
Air conditioning for motorcycle
Left handed pencil
Glow-in-the-dark sun dial
Gasoline fire extinguisher
Battery-powered battery charger
Clear correction fluid
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
15. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
10. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight ‘Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
9. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
8. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I’d Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I’ve Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
40. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
30. Wrestling’s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
8. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
5. I don’t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.
Friday, August 28, 2009
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and 5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!
Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Two blonde fishing buddies rented a boat early one Saturday morning and headed out for a day on the lake. They both caught their limit and headed home to fried fish dinners. The next Saturday they decided to go fishing again.
"Did you mark the spot?" asked Blonde #1.
"Yup," said Blonde #2. "I put a big X on the bottom of the boat."
"You dummy!" said Blonde #1. "What if we don't get the same boat?"
A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor's dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.
Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this." So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. A little while later, he comes back.
"What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the wife.
"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Sunday, August 23, 2009
•The shortest complete sentence in the English language is “I am.”
•The most used letter in the English alphabet is ‘E’, and ‘Q’ is the least used!
•Floccinaucinihilipilification, the declaration of an item being useless, is the longest non-medical term in the English language.
•Goddessship is the only word in the English language with a triple letter.
•The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet!
•The sentence “Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs” uses every letter of the alphabet and uses the least letters to do so!
•There is a lawsuit every 30 seconds in the U.S.
•More than 50% of time spent in U.S courtrooms is over automobile cases.
•The world’s longest-named lake has 45 letters (Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg).
•In the U.S. there are 18 doctors called Dr. Doctor, and one called Dr. Surgeon. There is also a dermatologist named Dr. Rash, a psychiatrist called Dr. Couch and an anesthesiologist named Dr. Gass.
•“Rhythm” is the longest English word without a vowel.
•The longest word in the English language is ‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis’ which describes a lung disease caused by breathing in particles of volcanic matter or a similar fine dust.
•“Jack” is the most common name in nursery rhymes.
•In the English language there are only three words that have a letter that repeats six times. Degenerescence (six e’s), Indivisibility (six i’s), and nonannouncement (six n’s).
•The only three words in the English language to have 2 consecutive u’s is vacuum, residuum, and continuum.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Did you hear about the blonde who plugged her power strip back into itself to save electricity?
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.
When a blonde working at the local Taco Bell was asked to put minimal lettuce on an order she replied, "I'm sorry, we only have iceberg."
What do you get when you put seven blondes in a freezer?
A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, "Clean Restrooms Next 10 Miles." She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 restrooms to clean.
While waiting at a cross walk for the light to change, a blonde asked why the signal was buzzing. When she was told that it was to let blind people know when the light was red, she replied, "What in the world are blind people doing driving?"
Did you hear about the blonde who called the county to have the Deer Crossing sign removed from her road? It seems that too many deer were being hit by cars.
How do you know a blond has been in your office?
There is white-out on your computer screen.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to re-train them.
What do you call an eternity?
Four blondes at a four way stop.
What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
"Oh, look, Daddy ... doughnut seeds."
How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear
Friday, August 21, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Friday, August 14, 2009
The term “soda water” was coined in 1798.
Botanically speaking, the banana is a herb and the tomato is a fruit.
Americans eat twice as much meat as Europeans, gobbling up some 50kg (110 lb) per capita.
China uses 45 billion chopsticks per year. 25 million trees are chopped down to make ‘em sticks.
The pull-ring tab was invented in 1962 and the re-sealable top in 1965.
Melba toast is named after Australian opera singer Dame Nellie Melba (1861-1931).
Maria Ann Smith introduced the Granny Smith apple in 1838.
The stay-on tab was invented in 1974.
The world’s oldest existing eatery opened in Kai-Feng, China in 1153.
Carrots have zero fat content.
The tall chef’s hat is called a toque.
The first European to encounter tea was the Portuguese Jesuit Jasper de Cruz in 1560.
Approximately one billion snails are served in restaurants annually.
The first cola-flavoured beverage was introduced in 1881.
Chocolate is the number one foodstuff flavour in the world, beating vanilla and banana by 3-to-1.
In the 1950’s some 80% of chickens in Europe and the US were free-ranging. By 1980, it was only 1%. Today, about 13% of chickens in the West are free-ranging.
The soda fountain was patented by Samuel Fahnestock in 1819, with the first bottled soda water available in 1835.
Tea is said to have been discovered in 2737 BC by a Chinese emperor when some tea leaves accidentally blew into a pot of boiling water.
Coca-Cola was invented in Atlanta, Georgia by Dr. John S. Pemberton in 1886.
The tea bag was introduced in 1908 by Thomas Sullivan of New York.
Plastic bottles were first used for soft drinks in 1970.
Coffee is the seed of a cherry from the tree genus Coffea
Over 90% of all fish caught are caught in the northern hemisphere.
Aluminum cans were introduced in 1957 and two years later the first diet cola was sold.
Over the last 40 years food production actually increased faster than population.
In 1929, the Howdy Company introduced its “Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Sodas,” which became 7 Up. 7 Up was invented by Charles Leiper Grigg.
Pepsi-Cola was invented by Caleb Bradham in 1890 as “Brad’s Drink” as a digestive aid and energy booster. In was renamed as Pepsi-Cola in 1898.
The first ice-cream soda was sold in 1874 in the US.
The scientific term for the common tomato is lycopersicon lycopersicum, which means “wolf peach.”
The first diet soft drink, called the “No-Cal Beverage” was launched in 1952.
The number of people who starved to death in the last 25 years of the 20th century is less than the number who starved to death in the last 25 years of the 19th century.
Forks, mostly being two-tined, used to known as “split spoons.”
An onion, apple and potato all have the same taste. The differences in flavour are caused by their smell.
To make one kilo of honey bees have to visit 4 million flowers, traveling a distance equal to 4 times around the earth.
Of the more than $50 billion worth of diet products sold every year, almost $20 billion are spent on imitation fats and sugar substitutes.
In September 1999 Dustin Philips of the US set a Guinness World Record by drinking a 400 ml (14-oz) bottle of tomato sauce through a straw in 33 seconds.
Wine is sold in tinted bottles because wine spoils when exposed to light.
The Polyethylene Terephthalate bottle was introduced in 1973.
Ice tea was introduced in 1904 at the World’s Fair in St. Louis.
Three quarters of fish caught are eaten – the rest is used to make things such as glue, soap, margarine and fertilizer.
In 1994, Chicago artist Dwight Kalb sent David Letterman a statue of Madonna, made of 180lb of ham.
An ounce of chocolate contains about 20 mg of caffeine.
Milk chocolate was invented by Daniel Peter, who sold the concept to his neighbour Henri Nestl¨¦.
Bananas consistently are the number one compliant of grocery shoppers. Most people complain when bananas are overripe or even freckled. The fact is that spotted bananas are sweeter, with a sugar content of more than 20%, compared with 3% in a green banana.
Vitamin A is known to prevent “night blindness,” and carrots are loaded with Vitamin A. One carrot provides more than 200% of recommended daily intake of Vitamin A.
There are more than 10,000 varieties of tomatoes.
Watermelons are 97% water, lettuce 97%, tomatoes 95%, carrots 90%, and bread 30%.
Approximately 44 million tons of bananas are produced annually, compared to more than 60 million tomatoes. Apples are the third most popular (36 million tons), then oranges (34 million tons) and watermelons (22 million tons).
In the Middle Ages, sugar was a treasured luxury costing 9 times as much as milk.
Bananas are the world’s most popular fruit after tomatoes. In western countries, they could account for 3% of a grocer’s total sales.
The can opener was invented 48 years after cans were introduced.
TIP is the acronym for “To Insure Promptness.”
The world’s most expensive jam (jelly) is Confiture de groselles. It is a redcurrant jam (jelly) from a 14th century recipe made in the tiny French town of Bar-Le-Duc.
Friday, August 7, 2009
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
2. Every Day’s a Holiday, (1937), “You ought to get out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini.”, Larmadou Graves (Charles Butter worth)
3. Gone With the Wind , (1939), “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”, Rhett Butler (Clark Gable)
4. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes , (1939), “Elementary, my dear Watson”, Sherlock Holmes (Basil Rathbone)
5.The Wizard of Oz , (1939), “Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore”, Dorothy (Judy Garland)
6. The Wizard of Oz , (1939), “There’s no place like home”, Dorothy (Judy Garland)
7. The Wizard of Oz , (1939), “I’ll get you, my pretty. And your little dog too”, Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton)
8. Casablanca , (1942), “Here’s looking at you, kid”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)
9. Casablanca , (1942), “Play it again, Sam”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)
10.Casablanca , (1942), “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)
11. Casablanca , (1942), “We’ll always have Paris”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)
12. Casablanca , (1942), “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)
13. Yankee Doddle Dandy , (1942), “My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you”, George Cohan (James Cagney)
14. All About Eve, (1950), “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy ride”, Margo Channing (Bette Davis)
15. A Streetcar Named Desire , (1951), “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers”, Blanche DuBois (Vivien Leigh)
16. Psycho , (1960), “We all go a little mad sometimes”, Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins)
17. Dr. No , (1962), “Bond. James Bond.” James Bond (Sean Connery)
18. Goldfinger , (1964), “Shaken – Not stirred”, James Bond (Sean Connery)
19. Cool Hand Luke , (1967), “What we have here is a failure to communicate”, Captain (Strother Martin)
20. In the Heat of the Night , (1967), “They call me Mr. Tibbs”, Virgil Tibbs (Sidney Portier)
21. Dirty Harry , (1971), “Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk”, Inspector “Dirty” Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood)
22. The Godfather , (1972), “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)
23. The Godfather , (1972), “Don’t ask me about my business, Kay”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)
24. The Godfather , (1972), “This isn’t personal, Kay. This is business”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)
25. The Godfather: Part 2, (1974), “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)
26. Rocky , (1976), “Yo, Adrienne”, Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone)
27. Taxi Driver , (1976), “You talkin’ to me”, Travis Bickle (Robert DeNiro)
28. Star Wars , (1977), “Get this big walking carpet out of my way”, Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher)
29. Star Wars , (1977), “May the force be with you”, Hans Solo (Harrison Ford)
30. Apocalypse Now, (1979), “I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like victory”, Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert Duvall)
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Monday, August 3, 2009
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend,Indiana.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
Be wary of “specials.” When people see signs with numbers-”8 for $10!” “Limit: 5 per customer”—they buy 30 to 100 percent more than they otherwise might have.
The British, the highest per capita spenders on music, buy 7,2% of the world music market.
Indian comic actress Manorama has played the most leading roles of any performer in movie history. She began her career in 1958 and in 1985 had appeared in her 1,000th movie.
Friday, July 31, 2009
(Close hand with nothing inside and give it to her) It's my breath from when you took it away (open palm while saying this).
Coffee? Tea? Me?
Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Did you have Campbell's soup today? (she answers yes/no) Because you're lookin' mmm... mmm... good!
Do you have room in your life for another friend?
Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?
Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really kickin'.
Does Levi's pay you for wearing those and looking that good?
Does my breath smell okay?
Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me to fall in love with you.
Don't walk into that building -- the sprinklers might go off!
Don't you know me from somewhere?
Ever since I met you, you've lived in my heart without paying any rent.
Excuse me miss, I don't mean to stare, but um I think you're really Beautiful"
Excuse me miss... Do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.
Excuse me miss? You dropped something back there? (As you look around you ask "where") Over there! (Ask again: "What did I drop?") He answers back: My jaw!
Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?
Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most gorgeous girl/guy I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a sparkle.
Monday, July 20, 2009
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
The United States Government keeps its supply of silver at the United States Military Academy, West Point, New York.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
52% of Americans drink coffee.
27% of Americans believe we never landed on the moon.
A Californian doctor has set the record of eating 17 bananas in two minutes.
Approximately 35 million Americans are linked by blood to one (or more) of the 102 pilgrims who came to America on the Mayflower in 1620.
There are five US states with no sales tax. They are: Alaska, Delaware, Montana, New Hampshire, and Oregon.
Alaska is the state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work.
It was once illegal to take a bath in the wintertime in Indiana.
Ohio is the birthplace of more Presidents than any other state - eight.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Yo Mama So Ugly
Yo Mama So Ugly she put the Boogie man outta business.
Yo Mama So Ugly when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..."
Yo Mama So Ugly when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'
Yo Mama So Ugly she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!
Yo Mama So Ugly minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."
Yo Mama So Ugly they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.
Yo Mama So Ugly when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!
Yo Mama So Ugly yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...
Yo Mama So Ugly she put Marilyn Manson out of business.
Yo Mama So Ugly she was a guard at Snake Mountain
Yo Mama So Ugly they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...
Yo Mama So Ugly even Harry Knowles refused to date her.
Yo Mama So Ugly they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!
Yo Mama So Ugly she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.
Yo Mama So Ugly Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo Mama So Ugly you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.
Yo Mama So Ugly she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.
Yo Mama So Ugly we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.
Yo Mama So Ugly I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.
Yo Mama So Ugly her shadow gave up.
Yo Mama So Ugly people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...
Yo Mama So Ugly her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.
Yo Mama So Ugly when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.
Yo Mama So Ugly hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.
Yo Mama So Ugly instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.
Yo Mama So Ugly they gave her a middle name...'accident'.
Yo Mama So Ugly she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.
Yo Mama So Ugly when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!
Yo Mama So Ugly even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...
Yo Mama So Ugly when she was born the Doc smacked her face.
Friday, July 10, 2009
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
funny quote Adlai Stevenson
I love Americans, but not when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is that they never try to talk English.
funny quote Saki
Great Britain and the United States are nations separated by a common language.
funny quote George Bernard Shaw
If you suveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies'.
funny quote Dave Barry
People come to Washington believing it is the center of power. I know I did. It was only much later that I learned that Washington is a steering wheel that's not connected to an engine.
funny quote Richard Goodwin
Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology.
funny quote Clive James
The trouble with America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy.
funny quote Louis Kronenberger
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
funny quote Dan Rather
When good Americans die they go to Paris. When bad Americans die they go to America.
funny quote Oscar Wilde
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word!
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!
The blesbok, a South African antelope, is almost the same color as grapejuice!
The average person laughs 13 times a day!
Dogs can hear sounds that you cant!
Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!
It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them!
Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, "Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words -- none of them with the letter E!
Of all the words in the English language, the word set has the most definitions!
A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans!
Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States!
The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
What Kind of Tracks Are They?
Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Aries a reason why I talk this way!
Arizona room for one of us in this town!
Anka the ship!
Ankansas though any piece of wood!
Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Friday, May 15, 2009
Which is Further Away?
Two blondes were sitting on a bench on the Atlantic City boardwalk admiring a beautiful, bright full moon. One said to the other, "I wonder which is further away, Florida or the moon?"
"Duh..." said the other, "Can you see Florida from here?"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his pretty blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'."
Two young blonde women are sitting at a table in a coffe shoppe in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"
Friday, May 8, 2009
One day, she mentioned this to a friend. Her friend told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "I've just gotta sell it."
"Okay," said the friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell it."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, her friend asked her, "Well, did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
Monday, May 4, 2009
You are so poor you eat cereal with forks to save milk!
You are so poor your face is on the cover of a food stamp!
You are so poor when I walked in your front door a mouse tripped me and a cockroach stole my wallet!
You are so poor I walked in your house and asked to use the
bathroom and you told me to pick a corner!
You are so poor that you use dental floss as toilet paper!
You're so poor that yesterday I saw your mother moving a trashcan from one street to another. I asked what was she doing and she said, ''I am moving it's too noisy over there!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Painting a Room
A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart and capable by painting a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she buys paint and rollers and gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive odor of fresh paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies "yes."
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house by herself.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she read the directions on the paint can and they said....
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
Monday, April 27, 2009
Q:What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A:A Golden Retriever.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.
Q. What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said "Concentrate."
Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How do you put a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."
"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
"This week, President Obama attended what was either the G-20 summit or his high school reunion. I haven't seen old white dudes this excited about meeting a black guy since Michael Jordan's fantasy camp." --Seth Meyers
"Michelle Obama was photographed in London wearing clothes from J-Crew, the store is selling out of the clothes she's been wearing. Now if someone could just get her to drive a Chrysler." --Seth Meyers
"When the president met with Queen Elizabeth, he presented her with an iPod loaded with Broadway show tunes while she gave him a silver framed picture of her and Prince Phillip. There were no winners in that gift exchange, because when I think of things an 83-year-old, super-rich British woman would want, an iPod is pretty far down the list, right between a bus pass and sneakers with the wheels on the bottom." --Seth Meyers
"And when I think of what a 47-year-old, super-cool black dude would want, a picture of an 83-year-old white lady is last. Now I'm not saying it's easy to buy the Queen a gift. She wears the same outfit every day and her only hobby is waving." --Seth Meyers
"But if you're looking for gift ideas for foreign leaders, you should check with the State Department and not Sasha and Malia. And while we're at it, Queen, a picture of yourself is not a good gift. Let's try to remember, you're world leaders, not Secret Santas." --Seth Meyers
"New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg praised Reverend Al Sharpton, calling him a calming influence on the city. Wow! What are the odds of a city having two reverends named Al Sharpton?" --Seth Meyers
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.
He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."
"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."
"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.
"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".
The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.
After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
"President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won't be easy; and third, that it's all President Bush's fault." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The speech was televised on all the networks. Fox had to move 'American Idol' tonight to accommodate it, which is outrageous. But that's why it was smart that Obama opened by singing "Living on a Prayer.' Even Simon liked it, it was very well done." --Jimmy Kimmel
"We begin tonight in Washington, where Barack Obama has most likely just finished his address to the nation, no doubt shocking observers with his call for a global Christian crusade. I don't think anybody saw that coming. And he also introduced the poverty relief program that included a plan to, this is interesting, lift the societal taboos on eating adorable animals. He actually ended his speech tonight with the phrase, 'We're coming for you, kittens. And we're bringing the A-1.'" --Jon Stewart
"So, why did Obama go to Canada? [on screen: Obama, speaking from Ottawa, at first says it's 'a great pleasure to be here in Iowa,' before correcting himself quickly]. He went to Canada on the first trip because he can mess up there! It's Canada. It's the diplomatic equivalent of a preseason game." --Jon Stewart
"You're working on your fundamentals. You get to practice the airport meet and greet, get to do a little state walk, try not to giggle at eccentric locals ... and, of course, the traditional signing of the guest book? [on screen: Obama signing the guestbook in Canada]. Canada has world leaders sign their guest book? Are you a country, or a bed and breakfast?" --Jon Stewart
"All in all, Obama spent, and this is true, seven hours in Canada. Ranking his first diplomatic trip on our 'How Long Americans Stay in Canada Scale,' above a firecracker/prescription drug run, and just below an underage Montreal bachelor party." --Jon Stewart
"So, while Obama faces many challenges, he himself still presents a challenge to the Republican party. How will they be able to counter his unique popularity and message of change? Perhaps they'll do it with their new selection for GOP chairman Michael Steele. ... What is it about Steele that's got Republicans so excited? [on screen: Newt Gingrich saying he'll bring 'energy and drive' to the GOP, and Ron Christie saying the fact that he's black is 'a bonus']. What? That is true, I mean, when has being black not been a bonus? But I think they prefer to be called 'bonus Americans.'" --Jon Stewart
"Tonight is President Obama's first address to Congress. I'm TiVo-ing it, don't tell me who won. I certainly hope he was a little more optimistic than he has been [on screen: Obama's past dire warnings about the economy]. It's all part of his plan to stimulate the economy through sales of Paxil." --Stephen Colbert
"What is the matter, Mr. President? Was hope forced to resign due to tax problems? There is good news to report out there [on screen: news reports that Wall Street has 'turned the clock back to 1997']. It's 1997! [on screen: Colbert dances to Hanson's 'Mmm Bop'] Folks, Ross and Rachel are back together. We are desperately keeping our Tamagotchis alive, and we know the stock market still has a couple of primo bubbles ahead of it" --Stephen Colbert