Thursday, May 27, 2010

Funny Quotes about Women

biggest-women
In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-- Margaret Thatcher

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.
-- Dick Van Dyke

For me there are only two type of women: goddesses and doormats.
-- Pablo Picasso

All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.
-- Miguel De Cervantes

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
-- Marcel Achard

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.
-- Sean Williamson

A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.
-- Gloria Steinem

You don't know a women till you've met her in court.
-- Norman Mailer

The lovely thing about being 40 is that you can appreciate 25 year old men more.
-- Colleen McCullough

My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures.
-- Michael Caine (Alfie, 1966)

Monday, May 24, 2010

Top 10 Reasons You know you're addicted to Facebook

funny-pictures-facebook-library-cat
1) You check your facebook account more then one time every hour

2) you visit sites that list reasons you know your addicted to
facebook.

3) You relationship status is only official if its been updated on
facebook

4) You're one of the few people who actually use facebook chat

5) You take pictures for the sole reason of tagging them on
facebook

6) You find yourself saying things like "I will tag you in this
photo" when you are out

7) You tell (more like force) people to join facebook.

8) You have several facebook friends that you've never actually
met in person

9) You like to be poked and you like poking in return

10) The world "poke" is no longer considered something physical to
you

Friday, May 14, 2010

Funny One Liner Jokes

funny-picture-cat-picture-catDon’t hate me because I m good, Hate me because I know it!!

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Do u believe in love at first sight or do i have to walk past u again?

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Intel inside……….fool is out side.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Marriage One Liner

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!

Married man live longer than a single man, but married man are lot more willing to die!

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.

Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in remembering two people the same thing.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.

Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living. - God forbid.

Marriage is a romantic story, in which hero dies in the first chapter."

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. -Sam Kinison

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -H. L. Mencken

Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

TV has no place in love. Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is dinner in your favorite restaurant. Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

In love you go to bed early. After marriage, you go to sleep early.

One Liner Jokes

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And SeekCounseling.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

Funny Marriage One Liner Jokes

funny_marriageWe always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!

Married man live longer than a single man, but married man are lot more willing to die!

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.

Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in remembering two people the same thing.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
funny-marriage-people1
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.

Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living. - God forbid.

Marriage is a romantic story, in which hero dies in the first chapter."

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. -Sam Kinison

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -H. L. Mencken

Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

TV has no place in love. Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is dinner in your favorite restaurant. Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is talking about having children. Marriagefunny-marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

In love you go to bed early. After marriage, you go to sleep early.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Hilarious One Liners

"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.

Sanjay : "I passed your house yesterday."
Anil : "Thanks I appreciate it."
Hilarious One Liners

More Funny One Liners

Do u believe in love at first sight or do i have to walk past u again?

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Intel inside……….fool is out side.

I removed L from LOVER…….n now its all OVER !!!

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Funny One Liners

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Scary Fast Food Facts

Fast food facts from the Super Size Me Web site
fatfastfood
Each day, 1 in 4 Americans visits a fast food restaurant
In 1972, we spent 3 billion a year on fast food - today we spend more than $110 billion
McDonald's feeds more than 46 million people a day - more than the entire population of Spain
French fries are the most eaten vegetable in America
You would have to walk for seven hours straight to burn off a Super Sized Coke, fry and Big Mac
In the U.S., we eat more than 1,000,000 animals an hour
60 percent of all Americans are either overweight or obese
One in every three children born in the year 2000 will develop diabetes in their lifetime
Left unabated, obesity will surpass smoking as the leading cause of preventable death in America
Obesity has been linked to: Hypertension, Coronary Heart Disease, Adult Onset Diabetes, Stroke, Gall Bladder Disease, Osteoarthritis, Sleep Apnea, Respiratory Problems, Endometrial, Breast, Prostate and Colon Cancers, Dyslipidemia, steatohepatitis, insulin resistance, breathlessness, Asthma, Hyperuricaemia, reproductive hormone abnormalities, polycystic ovarian syndrome, impaired fertility and lower back pain
The average child sees 10,000 TV advertisements per year
Only seven items on McDonald's entire menu contain no sugar
Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald - he was fired for being too fat
McDonald's distributes more toys per year than Toys-R-Us
Diabetes will cut 17-27 years off your life
McDonald's: "Any processing our foods undergo make them more dangerous than unprocessed foods"
The World Health Organization has declared obesity a global epidemic
Eating fast food may be dangerous to your health
McDonald's calls people who eat a lot of their food "heavy users"
McDonald's operates more than 30,000 restaurants in more then 100 countries on 6 continents
Before most children can speak they can recognize McDonald's
Surgeon General David Satcher: "Fast food is a major contributor to the obesity epidemic"
Most nutritionists recommend not eating fast food more than once a month
40 percent of American meals are eaten outside the home
McDonald's represents 43% of total U.S. fast food market