Monday, December 13, 2010

Dumb Blonde Jokes


Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier..........


Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.


Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs?
A: Cos they've no idea of the route.


Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes Twinkle?
A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.


Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?
A: Got stuck in a hunter's trap, chewed off it's 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.


Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O.

To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with 'Please turn over' scribbled on both sides.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Redneck Computer Lingo


Hard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys.

Window - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: "We gonna modem dandelions"

ROM - Liquor often mixed with Coke

Byte - Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word "me" or "this"

Cursor - The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

Tab - What you owe the bartender

Shift - How you get to a different gear.

RAM - Great truck

Edit - Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.

Internet - Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).

Fonts - That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

Laptop - Where the stripper sits.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Why ask Why Jokes




Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Blonde Jokes


Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.

Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
They can't remember the number.
OR: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A brunette with bad breath

What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Reservations.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Air bubbles.

What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
Divorcee'

What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?

What do you call a zit on a blonde's bum?
A brain tumor.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!

How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Funny Sayings

alabamalawsDepression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink ’till she’s cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever – so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Funny Baby Jokes

funnybabyQ. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.



Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.



Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.



Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning

crews, journalists, etc.



Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.



Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.



Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.



Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.



Q. How does one sanitize nipples?

A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.



Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.



Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

Check out favorite quotes about Thanksgiving from comedians like Jon Stewart, Jim Gaffigan, Johnny Carson and more.
Jon Stewart: "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
Jim Gaffigan: "Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'"

Stephen Colbert: "Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."

Kevin James: "Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Funny One Liners-Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Famous Dog Quotes

A dog is the only thing in the world that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings

We give dogs the time we can spare, the space we can spare and the love we can spare. In return, dogs give us their all. It is the best deal we have ever made.
- M. Acklam

Do not accept your dog's admiration as being conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
- Ann Landers

I wonder if other dogs think poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

The reason a dog has lots of friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.
- Unknown

The average dog is a much nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney


There is no psychiatrist to be found anywhere in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams

Dogs love their friends but bite their enemies. That is quite unlike people. We are not capable of pure love and always mix love and hate.
- Sigmund Freud

Cats and women will do as they please. Dogs and men need to relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein

If your dog is too fat, you are not getting enough exercise
- Unknown

A child's dog teaches them fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

Have you ever consider what your dog must think of you? I mean, you come home from the grocery with the most amazing stuff, pork, chicken, half a cow. They must think you're the greatest hunter on earth!
- Anne Tyler

Anyone who doesn't know what soap tastes like has never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Why Ask Why Jokes

whyguy
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Only in America Jokes


1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Funny Pickup Lines


If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?
Will you read my palm? [I don't see anything.] I didn't expect you to because love is blind.
Did you drop something? [What?] Your conversation, so let's pick it up right here.
Can I have your picture? [Why?] So I can show santa what I want for christmas!
Damn.....your ass is fine! Want to come see mine?
You dropped something. [What?] My jaw.
That's a nice dog/cat/pet. Does it have a phone number?
Do you mind if we share this cab to my house?
Baby, you're sexier than socks on a rooster.
Do you have a band-aid? [Why?] I hurt my knee when I fell for you.
What do you say we play some football? You can have first down!
You're like pizza. Even when you're bad, you're good.
You had better phone the firefighters in advance, cause when you're done with me, we'll be on fire!
Lets make like fabric softener and Snuggle!
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
Hi, who's your friend?
Are you an Alien? [No, why?] Because you just abducted my heart.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Can I borrow your library card? [Why?] Cause I'm checking you out.
Drop an ice cube and say 'Now that we've broken the ice, my name is...'

Funny Redneck Jokes

redneckfunnydudes
Redneck Joke 01
You might be a redneck if a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

Redneck Joke 02
You might be a redneck if a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.

Redneck Joke 03
You might be a redneck if all of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch.

Redneck Joke 04
You might be a redneck if all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.

Redneck Joke 05
You might be a redneck if all you want for Christmas is deer pee.

Redneck Joke 06
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

Redneck Joke 07
You might be a redneck if any of your children were conceived under a stop light.

Redneck Joke 08
You might be a redneck if any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.

Redneck Joke 09
You might be a redneck if any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.

Redneck Joke 10
You might be a redneck if anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Funny Pickup Lines


You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
You don't need car keys to drive me crazy.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You sure have a great looking tooth.
I wish I were sine squared and you were cosined squared, because together we could be one.
I'm feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? [No, why?] 'Cause I can see me in your pants.
May I have some kisses up here, please.
If a star fell from the sky every time I thought about you, then tonight the sky would be empty.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
Haven't I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
You want me. I can smell it.
If you were a drug, I would overdose!
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I'd have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that's you.
[Note: for use when someone you know is getting married] Hi, I'm throwing the bachelor/bachelorette party for a friend of mine, and I need a stripper. Interested?
Is your dad a baker? [No. Why?] Cause you have some nice buns.
I don't speak in tongues, but I kiss that way.
If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

You So Ugly Jokes

crazyfunnypeople4You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.

You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.

You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.
uglypeoplepic5
You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.

You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.

You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.

You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.
uglypeoplepic2
You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.

You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.

You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.

You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.
uglypeoplepic4
You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.
uglypeoplepic1
You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.

You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.

You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Amazing body Facts

body_factsNerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles (274 km) per hour.

The thyroid cartilage is more commonly known as the adams apple.

The only jointless bone in your body is the hyoid bone in your throat

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Your stomach needs to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it would digest itself.

It takes the interaction of 72 different muscles to produce human speech.

The average life of a taste bud is 10 days.

The average cough comes out of your mouth at 60 miles (96.5 km) per hour.

Relative to size, the strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

When you sneeze, all your bodily functions stop even your heart.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

Children grow faster in the springtime.

It takes the stomach an hour to break down cow milk.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people do.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Ugly Jokes

crazyfunnypeople3You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.

If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.

You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.

You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control...your face will do just fine.

You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.

You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.

You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.

You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.

You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.

You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.

You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.

You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.

Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.

You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.

You're so ugly, every time your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've
just given head."

I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field.

You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.

You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.

You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.

You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."

You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.

You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.

You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.

You're so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.

You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.

You're so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.

You're so ugly, you can't hail a bus.

You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.

You're so ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger nightmares.

You're so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces.

You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.

You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out.

You're so ugly, you can't get a date off the calendar.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.

You're so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.

You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.

You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into yogurt, just by looking at it.

You're so ugly, people create a Jackson Pollock style painting when they spew on the

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Dumbest Sayings

alabamalawsDepression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink ’till she’s cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever – so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Short Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the opossum that it could be done.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.

How does a pig go to the hospital?
In a hambulance.

What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Classic One Liner Jokes


Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
National Atheist's Day April 1st.
All generalizations are false.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
No matter where you go, you're there.
It's been Monday all week.
Gravity always gets me down.
This statement is false.
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Life is too complicated in the morning.
We are all part of the ultimate statistic-ten out of ten die.
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
Evolution: True science fiction.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Your body is made of 70% water. If you drink water, then, does that make you a cannibal?

Clean Short Jokes

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"

Clean One Liner Jokes

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

What do you call a camal with 3 humps?
Humphreys

What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies !

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose off

What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer

What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.

What is a dogs favourite school subject?
"Dog-Ruff-E "

Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the Parots-ate-em-all

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick

Inspirational sayings

smiles"Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life."
"We're to blessed to be depressed."

"Failure is the mother of success."

"Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive."

"Snowflakes are some of nature's most fragile things,
but just look what happens when they stick together."

"Everyone gets butterflies - the trick is getting them to fly in formation."

"Change is inevitable except from a vending machine."

"Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends."

"You don't want everything, think about it where would you put it?"

"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return.
It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."
Arthur C. Clarke

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."
Phyllis Diller

"A laugh is a smile that bursts."
Mary H. Waldrip

"A comedian does funny things.
A good comedian does things funny."
Buster Keaton

"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."
Mark Twain

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Halloween One Liners

1) What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
Hello, hello, hello.

2) What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A boo-loney sandwich.

3) What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.

4) What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?
A wash-and-werewolf.

5) What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.

6) What is a witch with poison ivy called?
An itchy witchy.

7) Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend.

8) Where do vampires live?
In the Vampire State Building.

9) Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

10) What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel.

11) What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

12) What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound.

13) Why are black cats such good singers?
They're very mewsical.

14) What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north.

15) What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
Hallowieners.

16) Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
In noisery school.

17) What does a goblin shop for?
Grosseries.

18) How can you tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders.

19) What do you call serious rocks?
Grave stones.

20) Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience? She had to give a screech.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Funny Amazing Facts

applemonsterA crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

bananadogFebruary 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
kiwi
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but mens noses and ears never stop growing.

When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.

Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.
orangemad
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Funny Questions

1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. How did a fool and his money get together?

4. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

5. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

6. What's another word for thesaurus?

7. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

8. What do they use to ship styrofoam?

9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

10. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

11. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

14. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

17. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

18. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

19. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

20. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Funny Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Redneck Computer Terms

redneckbellyHard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys.

Window - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: "We gonna modem dandelions"

ROM - Liquor often mixed with Coke

Byte - Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word "me" or "this"

Cursor - The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

Tab - What you owe the bartender

Shift - How you get to a different gear.

RAM - Great truck

Edit - Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.

Internet - Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).

Fonts - That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

Laptop - Where the stripper sits.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Corny Pickup Lines

barguy
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Are you a parking ticket? 'cause you got fine-fine-fine written all over ya.

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!

Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just took my heart away!

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!

I'm not wearing any pants.

You have been very naughty! Go to my room!

Mind if i stand here until it's safe where i farted

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under

If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

When God made you, he was showing off

It's not my fault I fell in love, you're the one who tripped me!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Alcohol Warning Jokes

coolaid
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Funny Baby Jokes

funnybabyQ. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.



Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.



Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.



Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning

crews, journalists, etc.



Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.



Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.



Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.



Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.



Q. How does one sanitize nipples?

A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.



Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.



Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Funny Geeky Pickup Lines Funny Pics

head
You had me at "Hello World."
You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime.
My 'up-time' is better than BSD.
Are you an angel, because your texture mapping is divine!
You've stolen the ASCII to my heart.
You got me stuck on Caps Lock, if you know what I mean.
How about we do a little peer-to-peer saliva swapping?
funnycomputer_geeks_anonymous
Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
Your beauty rivals the graphics of Doom 3.
You must be Windows 95 because you gots me so unstable.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up.
Want to see my Red Hat?
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
You put the SPARC in my workstation.
You make my software turn into hardware!
Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com?
I'd switch to emacs for you.
downloads
What's a nice girl like you doing in a chatroom like this?
No, that's not a Logitech MX-100 in my pants, but thanks for noticing.
Nice Set of Floppies!
I think you could be an integral part of my project life cycle.

Wife One Liner Jokes


I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Tongue Twister

smile
Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.

Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.

Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.

Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.

Six shiny snails sighed sadly.

Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.

Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.

Six seals slick sick seals.

How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?

Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.

I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.

I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.

Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore

Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!

Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

You Are A Redneck If These apply to you

redneckThe primary color of your car is "bondo".

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Funny Saying

apeI have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
-- Ronald Reagan

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
-- Bill Cosby

I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
-- Dreams For An Insomniac

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
-- George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-- George Carlin

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Fred Allen

If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
-- Mark Twain

Nothing is over until we decide it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!!
-- Animal House

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
-- Burt Bacharach

People are too durable, that's their main trouble. They can do too much to themselves, they last too long.
-- Bertolt Brecht

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
-- Edward Flaherty

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

2010 Redneck Census Form

The official year 2010 Redneck Census Form:
rednecklady
Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_)Billy-Bob
(_)Billy-Joe
(_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue
(_)Billy-Mae
(_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_)Booger
(_)Bubba
(_)Junior
(_)Sissy
(_)Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure,guess)

Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed
(_)Dirty Politician
(_)Preacher

Spouse's Name:_____________

2nd Spouse's Name:_______________

3rd Spouse's Name:_______________

Lover's Name:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Sister
(_)Brother
(_)Aunt
(_)Uncle
(_)Cousin
(_)Mother
(_)Father
(_)Son
(_)Daughter
(_)Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____

Number of the children living in the shed:_____

Number that are yours:_____

Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)

(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck
____bedroom
____bathroom
____kitchen
____shed

Model and year of your pickup:196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe?
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_)Blond
(_)Black
(_)Red
(_)Brown
(_)White
(_)Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_)White
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_)road?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Funny Short Jokes

afriendsforlife2

Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
--------------------------------------
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
------------------------------------------
What is da true meaning of 'Study' ???
.-
S. Sleeping
T. Talking
U. Unlimited tafreh
D. Dreaming
Y. Yawning

-----------------------------------------------
When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
----------------------------------------------
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
--------------------------------------------
MISSED CALL Means -
"M"Ost
"I"Nnovative
"S"Tylish
"S"Till
"E"Ffecti Ve
"D"Evice

"C"Onveying
"A"Pnapan
"L"Ove and
"L"Oneliness
------------------------------------
F..R..I..E..N..D

*Field of love*
*Root of joy*
*Island of God*
*End of sorrows*
*Name of hope*
*Door of understanding* (=

Monday, August 30, 2010

Funny Sayings From The Bathroom Wall

atoilet
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Mass.

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia, Penna.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?".
Rest stop off Route 81, W. Va.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men's restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

To do is to be. (Descartes) To be is to do. (Voltaire) Do be do be do. (Frank Sinatra)
Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Ariz.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Ariz.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both - get married!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Mont.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books, New York, N.Y.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Funny Bumper Stickers

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
"No, mister Budweiser, I haven't had any officers tonight."
"Sir, I seem to be stuck." (Data) "Well, get unstuck." (Picard)
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
(001) Logic Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience does not prevent sin, it only prevents you from enjoying it.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A day without sunshine is like ... night.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. And state lotteries are a tax on the mathmatically challenged.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All life's answers are on TV - Bart Simpson
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS - I married with their King.
All work and no play will make you a manager.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Alone: In bad company.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

Funny Bumper Stickers

bumperstickers
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All life's answers are on TV - Bart Simpson
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS - I married with their King.
All work and no play will make you a manager.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Alone: In bad company.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Funny Pickup Lines


If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.

If a thousand painters worked for a thousand years, they could not create a work of art as beautiful as you.

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

I was wondering if you had an extra heart mine seems to have been stolen

There isn't a word in the dictionary for how good you look.

Me without you is like a nerd without braces, A shoe without laces, aSentenceWithoutSpaces

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

When I'm older, I'll look back at all of my crowning memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

I must be a snowflake, because I've fallen for you.

Are you an interior decorator? When i saw you the room became beautiful.

There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it.

Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!

You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room.

Do you have a twin sister? Then you must be the most beautiful girl in the world!

You look beautiful today, just like every other day.

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something. MY JAW!

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

Funny or Not So Funny Pickup Lines


I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.

I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.

If I were a stop light, I'd turn red everytime you passed by, just so I could stare at you a bit longer.

Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.

You'd better direct that beauty somewhere else, you'll set the carpet on fire.

If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.

Sorry, but you owe me a drink. [Why?] Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?

Can I have directions? [To where?] To your heart.

Do you have a BandAid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.

Be unique and different, say yes.

Do you have a map? I'm getting lost in your eyes.

Fascinating. I've been looking at your eyes all night long, 'cause I've never seen such dark eyes with so much light in them.

Most people like to watch the Olympics, because they only happen once every 4 years, but I'd rather talk to you cause the chance of meeting someone so special only happens once in a lifetime.

You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.

You shouldn't wear makeup. It's messing with perfection!