Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Dumb Blonde Jokes

Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier..........

Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.

Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs?
A: Cos they've no idea of the route.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes Twinkle?
A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.

Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?
A: Got stuck in a hunter's trap, chewed off it's 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.

Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O.

To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with 'Please turn over' scribbled on both sides.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Tasteless Tiger Woods Jokes

When asked by the police how many times she hit Tiger, Elin replied "I'm not sure, put me down for a 5"
I think Tiger needs a new driver, his current shaft keeps getting him in trouble!
I read that the PGA are now investigating Tiger for having too many "woodies" in his bag!
Tiger and Elin will get back together because she is already hitting on him.
After scoring a couple of beautiful birdies earlier on, Tiger finds himself in serious trouble at the last hole, coming home.
Did Elin use a "rescue club" to extract him from the Escalade?
Tiger was found exactly two club lengths from his car due to a lost ball penalty - if the cops would have arrived a minute later he'd have lost the other one as well.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
Tiger's tip for wayward golfers: never ask your wife to keep track of your balls.
I always knew Woods was a better putter than driver.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 300 yards.
If Elin really did whack Tiger a couple of times with a golf club, it would have been in line with the rules of golf: there's a 2-stroke penalty for playing the wrong hole.
Hey Adidas, this is Tiger, Nike found your number in my phone. I need you to change your name...
Tiger changed his name from tiger… to Cheetah

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Classic Yo Mama So Dumb Jokes

cant_afford_meyour mama is so stupid that she tripped over a wireless phone

your mama is so stupid that she got expelled from the m&m factory because she threw away all the W's

your mama is so stupid that she put money in the parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out

your mama is so stupid that she called her son ass and her house crack, and when ass went missing, she called the cops and said, I can't find my ass anywhere, I looked up my crack but I couldn't find him!

Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband asked her what's for dinner, she opened her legs and answered, "Why honey, I'm having crabs."

Yo mama is so stupid she got ran over by a parked car!!

yo mama is so stupid she sat on the T.V. and watched the couch!

Yo Mama's so stupid, that her geometry test said "Find x", and she circled it and said "there it is."

Yo Mama's so stupid, I asked her for a hot dog and she put Fido in the microwave.

Yo Mama's So Stupid, She Climbed Over A Glass Door To See What Was On The Other Side!!

Yo mama's so stupid she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Yo mama's so stupid she stares at an orange juice carton every morning for an hour cause it says "concentrate"

Yo mama's so stupid she eats her food stamps.

Yo mama's so stupid that she took you into a room and asked you "Who's this Oscar Meyer kid and why do you want his wiener?"

Yo mama so stupid she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama's so dumb her friend asked her to go buy a color TV and she asked "What color?"

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read

Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends

Yo mama's so stupid she took a spoon to the super bowl

Yo mama's so dumb, that the Psychic Friends only charge her half price to read her mind!

Yo' mama so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample!

Yo mama's so stupid, she had your brother thrown in rehab, cause he was Hooked on Phonics

Yo mama's so stupid that she thought that babies came from the infantry

Yo mama's so stupid she sold her car to buy petrol.

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her it was chili outside so she went outside with a spoon.

Yo mama's so stupid someone said ''if you were locked in a car and you had nothing but a hammer how would you get out" and she said "bust the window".

Yo momma so stupid she took a fish out of the water because she thought it was drowning.

Yo mama's so stupid she went on Jeapordy and lost to George W. Bush.

Yo mama's so stupid she pisses in the sink to save on the gas bill.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama's so stupid she plays Russian Roulette with a Glock

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her to take out the trash and she moved!

Yo mama's so stupid she drove all the way to New Mexico with the handbrake on.

Yo mama's so stupid she talked into a mailbox and when the postman came and asked her what she was doing and she said she was sending a voicemail.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

101 Funny things to do at Walmart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"

6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

42. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

43. Two words: "Marco Polo."

44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

45. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

46. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.

55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."

59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

65. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.

71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag

72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming"

73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes

74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices

75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane

76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saing "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"

78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight

79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.

80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.

81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section

82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.

83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.

84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.

85. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.

86. Go to the gun section, saying "Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smily face!"

87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use wite-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.

88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught

89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.

90. Repeadeately say "The clowns are not eating me."

91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.

92. Rearrange items as you see fit.

93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.

94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs

95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex)

96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recomended)

97. Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.

98. Follow someone until they notice

99. Puoll out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial

100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.

101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Happy Monday Quotes

HappyMonday21Practice makes a man perfect… – But nobody’s perfect…… So why practice?

Money is not everything. – There’s MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals. – They are so tasty.

Save water. – Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbour. – But don’t get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. – After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry – And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. – It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic – It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents – Accidents in backseats cause children

“Your future depends on your dreams” – So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day – Than waking up every morning

“Hard work never killed anybody” – But why take the risk !

“Work fascinates me” – I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; – Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two’s company, – three’s the result!

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know – So… Why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station…. What more can I say……..

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Marriage Quotes

loving-coupleMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Friday, February 5, 2010

Toyota The Butt Of Jokes

I pray for those of you who have been suckered into buying a Toyota......and then i laugh!
Schwarzenegger’s New Movie – Toyota Recall – Funny Pic
You Drive that Toyota Taliban!

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Totalled Only Yesterday, Officer Towed Away
This One You Oughta Tow Away
To Operate Your Own Terrible Automobile
Tolerances Over Yielding, Often Towed Away
Toyota Overcharges You On Their Accessories

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Toyota Recall Jokes

toyotanobrakesToyota's slogan is "Moving Forward". Yeah, regardless of whether you want to or not.

According to Forbes magazine, the most dangerous place to be is Afghanistan's Khost Province. The second most dangerous: inside a Toyota Camry.

In light of Toyota’s struggles, many people think hara-kiri – honorable suicide – is in order for Toyota’s top brass. They could start by driving one of their own cars.

“Toyota Prius. Making the world a better place. Even if you’re not in it.”

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Short Jokes

smiles2Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

Did you hear about hte new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.

Where does the one legged waitress work?
The Ihop

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

A blonde walked into a bar

A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"

A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not I'm a Fungi!"