Why Ask Why Jokes

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Only in America Jokes

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

Funny Pickup Lines

If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?
Will you read my palm? [I don't see anything.] I didn't expect you to because love is blind.
Did you drop something? [What?] Your conversation, so let's pick it up right here.
Can I have your picture? [Why?] So I can show santa what I want for christmas!
Damn.....your ass is fine! Want to come see mine?
You dropped something. [What?] My jaw.
That's a nice dog/cat/pet. Does it have a phone number?
Do you mind if we share this cab to my house?
Baby, you're sexier than socks on a rooster.
Do you have a band-aid? [Why?] I hurt my knee when I fell for you.
What do you say we play some football? You can have first down!
You're like pizza. Even when you're bad, you're good.
You had better phone the firefighters in advance, cause when you're done with me, we'll be on fire!
Lets make like fabric softener and Snuggle!
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
Hi, who's your friend?
Are you an Alien? [No, why?] Because you just abducted my heart.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Can I borrow your library card? [Why?] Cause I'm checking you out.
Drop an ice cube and say 'Now that we've broken the ice, my name is...'

Funny Redneck Jokes

Redneck Joke 01
You might be a redneck if a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

Redneck Joke 02
You might be a redneck if a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.

Redneck Joke 03
You might be a redneck if all of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch.

Redneck Joke 04
You might be a redneck if all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.

Redneck Joke 05
You might be a redneck if all you want for Christmas is deer pee.

Redneck Joke 06
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

Redneck Joke 07
You might be a redneck if any of your children were conceived under a stop light.

Redneck Joke 08
You might be a redneck if any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.

Redneck Joke 09
You might be a redneck if any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.

Redneck Joke 10
You might be a redneck if anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

Funny Pickup Lines

You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
You don't need car keys to drive me crazy.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You sure have a great looking tooth.
I wish I were sine squared and you were cosined squared, because together we could be one.
I'm feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? [No, why?] 'Cause I can see me in your pants.
May I have some kisses up here, please.
If a star fell from the sky every time I thought about you, then tonight the sky would be empty.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
Haven't I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
You want me. I can smell it.
If you were a drug, I would overdose!
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I'd have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that's you.
[Note: for use when someone you know is getting married] Hi, I'm throwing the bachelor/bachelorette party for a friend of mine, and I need a stripper. Interested?
Is your dad a baker? [No. Why?] Cause you have some nice buns.
I don't speak in tongues, but I kiss that way.
If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

You So Ugly Jokes

You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.

You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.

You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.

You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.

You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.

You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.

You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.

You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.

You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.

You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.

You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.

You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.

You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.

You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.

You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.

Amazing body Facts

Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles (274 km) per hour.

The thyroid cartilage is more commonly known as the adams apple.

The only jointless bone in your body is the hyoid bone in your throat

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Your stomach needs to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it would digest itself.

It takes the interaction of 72 different muscles to produce human speech.

The average life of a taste bud is 10 days.

The average cough comes out of your mouth at 60 miles (96.5 km) per hour.

Relative to size, the strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

When you sneeze, all your bodily functions stop even your heart.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

Children grow faster in the springtime.

It takes the stomach an hour to break down cow milk.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people do.