Anthony Weiner Jokes

"Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he'll be allowed to keep his porn name ... Anthony Weiner." —Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice." —Jimmy Kimmel

"51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it." —Conan O'Brien

"What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?" —Jon Stewart

"I don't know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don't men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?!" —David Letterman

"This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house." —Jay Leno

"Democrats don't share our values. An elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for sex? Come on! At least Republican Chris Lee was trying to get some action! Republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. Ensign, Vitter, even when it's a gay scandal! They're not tweeting love letters. They're tearing up an airport bathroom until somebody calls the cops on them!" —Stephen Colbert

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

Check out favorite quotes about Thanksgiving from comedians like Jon Stewart, Jim Gaffigan, Johnny Carson and more.
Jon Stewart: "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
Jim Gaffigan: "Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'"

Stephen Colbert: "Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."

Kevin James: "Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."

Why Ask Why Jokes

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Funny Redneck Jokes

Redneck Joke 01
You might be a redneck if a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

Redneck Joke 02
You might be a redneck if a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.

Redneck Joke 03
You might be a redneck if all of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch.

Redneck Joke 04
You might be a redneck if all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.

Redneck Joke 05
You might be a redneck if all you want for Christmas is deer pee.

Redneck Joke 06
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

Redneck Joke 07
You might be a redneck if any of your children were conceived under a stop light.

Redneck Joke 08
You might be a redneck if any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.

Redneck Joke 09
You might be a redneck if any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.

Redneck Joke 10
You might be a redneck if anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

You So Ugly Jokes

You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.

You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.

You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.

You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.

You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.

You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.

You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.

You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.

You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.

You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.

You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.

You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.

You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.

You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.

You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.

Ugly Jokes

You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.

If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.

You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.

You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control...your face will do just fine.

You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.

You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.

You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.

You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.

You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.

You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.

You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.

You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.

Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.

You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.

You're so ugly, every time your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've
just given head."

I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field.

You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.

You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.

You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.

You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."

You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.

You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.

You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.

You're so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.

You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.

You're so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.

You're so ugly, you can't hail a bus.

You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.

You're so ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger nightmares.

You're so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces.

You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.

You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out.

You're so ugly, you can't get a date off the calendar.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.

You're so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.

You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.

You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into yogurt, just by looking at it.

You're so ugly, people create a Jackson Pollock style painting when they spew on the

Classic One Liner Jokes

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
National Atheist's Day April 1st.
All generalizations are false.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
No matter where you go, you're there.
It's been Monday all week.
Gravity always gets me down.
This statement is false.
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Life is too complicated in the morning.
We are all part of the ultimate statistic-ten out of ten die.
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
Evolution: True science fiction.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Your body is made of 70% water. If you drink water, then, does that make you a cannibal?

Alcohol Warning Jokes

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Funny Baby Jokes

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.



Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.



Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.



Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning

crews, journalists, etc.



Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.



Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.



Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.



Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.



Q. How does one sanitize nipples?

A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.



Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.



Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Funny Geeky Pickup Lines Funny Pics

You had me at "Hello World."
You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime.
My 'up-time' is better than BSD.
Are you an angel, because your texture mapping is divine!
You've stolen the ASCII to my heart.
You got me stuck on Caps Lock, if you know what I mean.
How about we do a little peer-to-peer saliva swapping?

Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
Your beauty rivals the graphics of Doom 3.
You must be Windows 95 because you gots me so unstable.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up.
Want to see my Red Hat?
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
You put the SPARC in my workstation.
You make my software turn into hardware!
Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com?
I'd switch to emacs for you.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a chatroom like this?
No, that's not a Logitech MX-100 in my pants, but thanks for noticing.
Nice Set of Floppies!
I think you could be an integral part of my project life cycle.

Tongue Twister

Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.

Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.

Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.

Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.

Six shiny snails sighed sadly.

Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.

Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.

Six seals slick sick seals.

How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?

Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.

I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.

I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.

Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore

Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!

Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?

You Are A Redneck If These apply to you

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Funny Saying

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
-- Ronald Reagan

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
-- Bill Cosby

I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
-- Dreams For An Insomniac

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
-- George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-- George Carlin

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Fred Allen

If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
-- Mark Twain

Nothing is over until we decide it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!!
-- Animal House

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
-- Burt Bacharach

People are too durable, that's their main trouble. They can do too much to themselves, they last too long.
-- Bertolt Brecht

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
-- Edward Flaherty

Funny Short Jokes

Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
--------------------------------------
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
------------------------------------------
What is da true meaning of 'Study' ???
.-
S. Sleeping
T. Talking
U. Unlimited tafreh
D. Dreaming
Y. Yawning

-----------------------------------------------
When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
----------------------------------------------
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
--------------------------------------------
MISSED CALL Means -
"M"Ost
"I"Nnovative
"S"Tylish
"S"Till
"E"Ffecti Ve
"D"Evice

"C"Onveying
"A"Pnapan
"L"Ove and
"L"Oneliness
------------------------------------
F..R..I..E..N..D

*Field of love*
*Root of joy*
*Island of God*
*End of sorrows*
*Name of hope*
*Door of understanding* (=

Funny Sayings From The Bathroom Wall

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Mass.

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia, Penna.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?".
Rest stop off Route 81, W. Va.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men's restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

To do is to be. (Descartes) To be is to do. (Voltaire) Do be do be do. (Frank Sinatra)
Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Ariz.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Ariz.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both - get married!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Mont.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books, New York, N.Y.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Funny Pickup Lines

Kiss me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Guadalupe?

You know what your remind me of? [what?] Lucky Charms, You want to know why? [why?] Because you're magically delicious!

I can read palms. {write your # on their hand} Oh it says your going to call me soon!

So long as we're in the theatre....why don't we get some play?

If you were ice cream and I were hot chocolate I'd pour all my love onto you.

You must be Jamaican, cause you Jamaican me crazy.

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

It's my birthday! How about a birthday kiss? "Is it really your birthday?" No, but how about a kiss anyway?

I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.

Darling, if you were cocaine I'd OVERDOSE!

If you were a wedgie, I'd pick you!

Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?

I lost my virginity... can I have yours?

Do you sleep on your stomach? [yes/no] Can I?

Are your parents retarded? 'cuz DANG your special!

Do you have a quarter? [Why?] I told my boyfriend/girlfriend that I would call him/her when I found someone better.

Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.

Do you have a bandage? I hurt my knee when I fell in love with you.

You are like a glass of milk... you do the body good.

Fat penguin. [What?] I just wanted to say something to break the ice.

I'm not feeling myself today, can I feel you?

Are you a light switch? Cause I want to turn you on!

Where is your mother? [Why?] Because you're too young to be here without an adult.

You spend so much time in my dreams I should charge rent!

Want to get some air? You took my breath away!

How much does a polar bear weigh? [I don't know, how much?] Just enough to break the ice. Hi my name is....

Break Up Quotes

No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.

Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.

It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.

Take away love and our earth is a tomb.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

The heart was made to be broken.

Everyone tells me I should forget about you, you don’t deserve me. They’re right, you don’t deserve me, but I deserve you.

When you break up, your whole identity is shattered. You are no longer alive.

I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.

It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you

Sometimes the person you really need is the one you didn’t think you wanted.

Moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

More Funny Pickup Lines

Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.

Hi, who's your friend?

Are you an Alien? [No, why?] Because you just abducted my heart.

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Can I borrow your library card? [Why?] Cause I'm checking you out.

Drop an ice cube and say 'Now that we've broken the ice, my name is...'

Are you bored? [No, why?] Because i really want to nail you.

Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?

Are those astronaunt pants? Cause that ass is out of this world!

Are you sure that you're not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!

Your feet must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

You must be the cause of global warming!

Are you from Tennessee? [No, why?] Because you're the only 10 I see!

What's your sign?

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?

Got any raisins? [No.] Then how about a date?

Funny Bumper Stickers

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

Honk! If you want to see my finger

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Constipated People Don't Give ACrap.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

Dorky Pickup Lines

I'm feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? [No, why?] 'Cause I can see me in your pants.

May I have some kisses up here, please.

If a star fell from the sky every time I thought about you, then tonight the sky would be empty.

My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

Haven't I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?

If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.

You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.

You want me. I can smell it.

If you were a drug, I would overdose!

If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I'd have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that's you.

[Note: for use when someone you know is getting married] Hi, I'm throwing the bachelor/bachelorette party for a friend of mine, and I need a stripper. Interested?

Is your dad a baker? [No. Why?] Cause you have some nice buns.

I don't speak in tongues, but I kiss that way.

If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger? [No.] Then wink.

You know, we were born without clothes.

Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?

Like alcohol to the alcoholic,
Like chocolate to the chocoholic,
You are the [name] to the [name]holic.

(preferabally for use on men/women that have an A or O as the last letter of their first name.)
If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?

Will you read my palm? [I don't see anything.] I didn't expect you to because love is blind.

Did you drop something? [What?] Your conversation, so let's pick it up right here.

Can I have your picture? [Why?] So I can show santa what I want for christmas!

Damn.....your ass is fine! Want to come see mine?

You dropped something. [What?] My jaw.

That's a nice dog/cat/pet. Does it have a phone number?

Do you mind if we share this cab to my house?

Baby, you're sexier than socks on a rooster.

Do you have a band-aid? [Why?] I hurt my knee when I fell for you.

What do you say we play some football? You can have first down!

You're like pizza. Even when you're bad, you're good.

You had better phone the firefighters in advance, cause when you're done with me, we'll be on fire!

Lets make like fabric softener and Snuggle!

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?