Dorky Pickup Lines

I'm feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? [No, why?] 'Cause I can see me in your pants.

May I have some kisses up here, please.

If a star fell from the sky every time I thought about you, then tonight the sky would be empty.

My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

Haven't I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?

If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.

You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.

You want me. I can smell it.

If you were a drug, I would overdose!

If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I'd have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that's you.

[Note: for use when someone you know is getting married] Hi, I'm throwing the bachelor/bachelorette party for a friend of mine, and I need a stripper. Interested?

Is your dad a baker? [No. Why?] Cause you have some nice buns.

I don't speak in tongues, but I kiss that way.

If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger? [No.] Then wink.

You know, we were born without clothes.

Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?

Like alcohol to the alcoholic,
Like chocolate to the chocoholic,
You are the [name] to the [name]holic.

(preferabally for use on men/women that have an A or O as the last letter of their first name.)
If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?

Will you read my palm? [I don't see anything.] I didn't expect you to because love is blind.

Did you drop something? [What?] Your conversation, so let's pick it up right here.

Can I have your picture? [Why?] So I can show santa what I want for christmas!

Damn.....your ass is fine! Want to come see mine?

You dropped something. [What?] My jaw.

That's a nice dog/cat/pet. Does it have a phone number?

Do you mind if we share this cab to my house?

Baby, you're sexier than socks on a rooster.

Do you have a band-aid? [Why?] I hurt my knee when I fell for you.

What do you say we play some football? You can have first down!

You're like pizza. Even when you're bad, you're good.

You had better phone the firefighters in advance, cause when you're done with me, we'll be on fire!

Lets make like fabric softener and Snuggle!

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?

Funny Pick up Lines

I'm a raindrop and I'm falling for you.

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet

I must be a Snowflake, becuase I've fallen for you.

I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn't so shy, I would tell you who it is.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Are you religious? [Why?] Because you're the answer to my prayers.

Can I lick that film off your teeth?

Can you give me directions...to your heart?

Did they just take you out of the oven? [No, why?] Because you're hot!

Do you have a map? [No, why?] Because I just got lost in your eyes.

Don't be so picky... I wasn't!

Falling for you would be a very short trip.

Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I'm asking for only one.

I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Let's go behind that rock, and get a little boulder.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

Remember me? Oh, that's right, I've met you only in my dreams.

Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.

What do you like for breakfast?

You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

You don't need car keys to drive me crazy.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You sure have a great looking tooth.

I wish I were sine squared and you were cosined squared, because together we could be one.

Funny State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense Against The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,& Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker -- WOO-EEE!!!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right to An Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco IS A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep, syrup!

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...and the sheep are scared!

Thaks to SongsForAmerica.com-Funny State Slogans

Proverbs and One Liners

Light travels faster then sound... which is why most people appear brilliant until you hear them.

Happiness is like a butterfly, which when pursued is just beyond your grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly may alight upon you. (Hawthorne)

There are two kinds of people, those who do the work, and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there. (Indira Gandhi)

The larger the lake of knowledge the longer the shore of wonder.

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace.
(Jimi Hendrix)

There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

You were born as an original. Don't die as a copy.
He who feels that he is too small to make a difference has never been bitten by a mosquito.
If I knew grandchildren were going to be this much fun, I would have had them first!

If you let go of the past, it no longer has a hold on you.

There is a certain freedom in having nothing left to lose.

Rules + Regulations - Relationships = Resentment + Rebellion.

When I stand before the Lord, I'd rather explain why I went, rather than why I didn't go.

We do what we believe, the rest is just a bunch of religious talk.

Of course men can multitask, they read on the toilet.

Why Ask Why, One Liners

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?

Funny Why ask Why One Liners Jokes

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

If all is not lost, where is it?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Funny Monkey Jokes

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A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet.

All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"

"Standard pricing practice," said the vet. "The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!".
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woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals. The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved to by zookeepers. This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo. It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar, "Thanks; but we prefer fruit."
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My monkey plays chess.
Your monkey plays chess? He must be clever!
Not really, I usually beat him three times out of four!
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A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?"

The mother replied, "I don't know, son. I never met your father's folks."
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A monkey walks into a drugstore and orders a fifty-cent sundae. He puts down a ten-dollar bill to pay for it.

The clerk thinks, "What can a monkey know about money?" So he hands back a single dollar in change and says, "You know, we don't get many monkeys in here."

"No wonder," answers the monkey, "At these prices you won't get many more."
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