Alcohol Warning Jokes

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Funny Baby Jokes

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.



Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.



Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.



Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning

crews, journalists, etc.



Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.



Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.



Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.



Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.



Q. How does one sanitize nipples?

A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.



Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.



Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Funny Geeky Pickup Lines Funny Pics

You had me at "Hello World."
You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime.
My 'up-time' is better than BSD.
Are you an angel, because your texture mapping is divine!
You've stolen the ASCII to my heart.
You got me stuck on Caps Lock, if you know what I mean.
How about we do a little peer-to-peer saliva swapping?

Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
Your beauty rivals the graphics of Doom 3.
You must be Windows 95 because you gots me so unstable.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up.
Want to see my Red Hat?
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
You put the SPARC in my workstation.
You make my software turn into hardware!
Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com?
I'd switch to emacs for you.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a chatroom like this?
No, that's not a Logitech MX-100 in my pants, but thanks for noticing.
Nice Set of Floppies!
I think you could be an integral part of my project life cycle.

Wife One Liner Jokes

I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

Tongue Twister

Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.

Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.

Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.

Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.

Six shiny snails sighed sadly.

Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.

Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.

Six seals slick sick seals.

How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?

Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.

I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.

I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.

Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore

Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!

Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?

You Are A Redneck If These apply to you

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Funny Saying

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
-- Ronald Reagan

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
-- Bill Cosby

I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
-- Dreams For An Insomniac

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
-- George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-- George Carlin

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Fred Allen

If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
-- Mark Twain

Nothing is over until we decide it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!!
-- Animal House

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
-- Burt Bacharach

People are too durable, that's their main trouble. They can do too much to themselves, they last too long.
-- Bertolt Brecht

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
-- Edward Flaherty

2010 Redneck Census Form

The official year 2010 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_)Billy-Bob
(_)Billy-Joe
(_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue
(_)Billy-Mae
(_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_)Booger
(_)Bubba
(_)Junior
(_)Sissy
(_)Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure,guess)

Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed
(_)Dirty Politician
(_)Preacher

Spouse's Name:_____________

2nd Spouse's Name:_______________

3rd Spouse's Name:_______________

Lover's Name:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Sister
(_)Brother
(_)Aunt
(_)Uncle
(_)Cousin
(_)Mother
(_)Father
(_)Son
(_)Daughter
(_)Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____

Number of the children living in the shed:_____

Number that are yours:_____

Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)

(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck
____bedroom
____bathroom
____kitchen
____shed

Model and year of your pickup:196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe?
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_)Blond
(_)Black
(_)Red
(_)Brown
(_)White
(_)Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_)White
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_)road?

Funny Short Jokes

Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
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TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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What is da true meaning of 'Study' ???
.-
S. Sleeping
T. Talking
U. Unlimited tafreh
D. Dreaming
Y. Yawning

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When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
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TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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MISSED CALL Means -
"M"Ost
"I"Nnovative
"S"Tylish
"S"Till
"E"Ffecti Ve
"D"Evice

"C"Onveying
"A"Pnapan
"L"Ove and
"L"Oneliness
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F..R..I..E..N..D

*Field of love*
*Root of joy*
*Island of God*
*End of sorrows*
*Name of hope*
*Door of understanding* (=