Funny Late Night Jokes-David Letterman-Political Roast

"Now here's something that gives you a pause for thought. Over the weekend, a church that Sarah Palin attended was burned. Somebody set fire to the church. Very serious, disturbing. As a matter of fact, they are looking for a guy. And they think it's Joe the Arsonist. That's who they are looking for." --David Letterman

"Bush is in Baghdad, he's having a press conference, and a guy, a reporter from Iraq jumps up and starts heaving shoes at the guy. And in Iraqi, or Arabic, he starts screaming, 'Here's your farewell kiss, you dog!' That's what the guy says. I mean, it was the same goodbye I got from NBC." --David Letterman

"Right now, they're trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he's a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it's the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn't even do a background check on him." --David Letterman

"You've got to give Bush credit. I mean, the guy moved pretty quickly. ... Too bad he didn't react that way with bin Laden or Katrina, bin Laden or the mortgage crisis, bin Laden or Afghanistan, bin Laden or the Lehman Brothers." --David Letterman

I don't think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the Vietnam War." --David Letterman

Political Roast-Late Night Political Jokes

Funny Santa Pictures and Xmas Jokes

10 Reasons Why Women Would Like to Be Santa Claus
There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
Buy one big brown belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
You'd always work in sensible footwear.


10 Reasons Why Women Would Like to Be Santa Claus
You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
You'd never take the wrong coat on your way home.
You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
No one would ask to see your job description

Christmas Jokes-Too Much Xmas Cheer

Some funny xmas humor!
You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

Funny Christmas Jokes

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy ?
She gave him the cold shoulder !

What do snowmen wear on their heads ?
Ice caps !

What do snowmen eat for lunch ?
Icebergers ! 

Where do snowmen go to dance ?
Snowballs ! 

How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !

What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !

How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo !

Funny Christmas Jokes

Question and Answer Christmas Jokes
Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.


Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.

Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!

Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.

Funny Xmas Jokes, Knock Knock Christmas Jokes

Knock-Knock
Who's There
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open until Christmas

 

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Mary
Mary who ?
Mary Christmas!

 

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Snow
Snow who ?
Snow business like show business!

 

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Holly
Holly who ?
Holly-days are here again!

 

Knock-Knock
Who's There
Igloo
Igloo who?
Igloo Santa, like I knew Santa...

 

Knock-Knock
Who's There
Avery
Avery who
Avery Merry-Christmas to you.
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wenceslas
Wenceslas who ?
Wenceslas train home?

 

Knock-Knock
Who's There
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a Manger...

 

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Oakham
Oakham who ?
Oakham all ye faithfull...!
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Rudolph
Rudolph who ?
Money is the Rudolph of all evil!

What's red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santelope!
Whats happens to you at Christmas ?
Yule be happy!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him.

Funny Santa Jokes

Funny Santa JokesQuestion: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Answer: Because he had low elf esteem.

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.

Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.

Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!

Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

Christmas Pics great for myspace or Facebook!

Funny Snowman Jokes

Funny Snowman Jokes

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.

Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
Answer: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

Bad Xmas Gift Ideas! Funny Xmas Pics

Bad Xmas Gift Ideas!Honka Toys

Bad Xmas Gift Ideas-Funny Xmas Pic-Robots

Bad Xmas Gift Ideas-Road Kill Raccoon

Late Night TV John McCain Jokes

"McCain kept talking about how he could help this man. If McCain really wants to help this guy, you now what he should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a job for life." --Jay Leno, on Joe the Plumber

A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, 'Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama, what a guy. He is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a neighborhood, asking people if they'll vote for him. Coincidentally, John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a door, he says, 'Do I live here?'" --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin had to have her campaign bus make an unscheduled stop at a Wal-Mart in Ohio, so she could pick up a package of diapers. I guess she ran out of diapers, so they pulled over and she went in and everyone followed her. Which is kind of cute, but it turned out Senator McCain didn't need them." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you watch the debate last night? I gave up drinking a while ago, but I started again. And I'm watching the debate last night, and I did a shot every time John McCain said, 'My friends.' And so I am just blotto." --David Letterman

"At one point McCain referred to Barack Obama as 'That One.' And McCain later thought maybe something had gone haywire. He apologized, he said he got confused, he thought he was at the bakery." –David Letterman

Late Night TV Sarah Palin Jokes

Sarah Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales." --Jay Leno

"I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is 'going rogue' and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It's gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now 'Joe Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin's 2012 campaign." --David Letterman

"You know what? This always happens in politics. Sarah Palin, when she gets on the ticket, everybody is going, whoa, how about this? Come on. Look out. Here we go. We got us something here, you know. Now everything has turned around. McCain staffers are saying Sarah Palin has turned into a diva and is making diva demands. Here's what they're talking about. A couple of days ago, Lenscrafters had to stay open after hours so Sarah could shop alone. Today, she hit a speech writer with her cell phone." --David Letterman

"According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Gov. Palin, when she leaves them home alone they get pregnant." --Seth Meyers

"Alaska's largest newspaper has endorsed Barack Obama despite the fact that their governor is Sarah Palin. Luckily for Palin, it's one of the 500 newspapers she doesn't read." --Conan O'Brien

Blonde Joke-Magic Mirror

Funny Blonde Joke
Magic Mirror
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

Funny Blonde Joke-Yell for Help

Funny Blonde Joke-Yell for Help ----

Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."

The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

Funny Blonde Jokes-Yell for Help

Funny Blonde Jokes-Yell for Help

Funny Redneck Jokes-01

Redneck Jokes-You might be a redneck if......

You might be a redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Funny Pic-dumb blondes racing

Funny Pic-dumb blondes racing....Add the Funny Pics to myspace and spread the Crazy Humor to myspace comments,profile,facebook,friendster,blog or website! Enjoy the fun pics!
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Blonde Joke-I Want To Buy A TV

I Want to Buy A TV

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Redneck Jokes-1

Funny redneck Humor!

fun pics free.com-Funny Pics and Crazy Pictures

 

You might be a redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.