Irv Kupcinet An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
H. W. Westermayer
The pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts… nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.
William Jennings Bryan
On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
Kevin James
Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.
Erma Bombeck
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Russell Baker
It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.
Mike Connolly
Coexistence… what the farmer does with the turkey - until Thanksgiving.
Rita Rudner
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Jon Stewart
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
George Carlin
We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.
Erma Bombeck, No One Diets on Thanksgiving
What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.
It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular.
Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful ‘in general.’ It’s very strange. It’s a little like being married in general.
Russell Baker
It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with ‘gourmet’ status.
Jon Stewart
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Johnny Carson
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
Anonymous
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs
