Fun Blonde Jokes

Hiding From the Cops
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."



The Ultimate Sacrifice
There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.

Men Jokes

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show
he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Blind Joke

There are no dogs allowed here
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Funny Short Blonde Jokes

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

They always forget the recipe.


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Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."


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Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.


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Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.


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What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

They drowned at spring training.


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What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong."


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Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.


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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.


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Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?

Because it said "concentrate."


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What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who is the oldest?

The blonde, because she's 18.


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How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.


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How to trouble a blonde:

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool!!!


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Why did the blonde tell her Pastor under no circumstances would she have more than three children?

Because she heard that 1 out of 4 children born in the world is Chinese.


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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

The power went out for 5 hours leaving twelve blondes stranded on their way to the second floor on the escalator.

Redneck Joke-Happy Birthday

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday Buddy"

Understanding Men Jokes

Understanding Men
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again.

Strange Body Facts

In one day, a human sheds 10 billion skin flakes. This amounts to approximately two kilograms in a year.

Every square inch of the human body has about 19,000,000 skin cells.

Approximately 25% of all scald burns to children are from hot tap water and is associated with more deaths than with any other liquid.

Forty-one percent of women apply body and hand moisturizer at least three times a day.

Every hour one billion cells in the body must be replaced.

The world record for the number of body piercing on one individual is 702, which is held by Canadian Brent Moffat.

The small intestine in the human body is about 2 inches around, and 22 feet long.

The human body makes anywhere from 1 to 3 pints of saliva every 24 hours.

The human body has approximately 37,000 miles of capillaries.

The aorta, which is largest artery located in the body, is about the diameter of a garden hose.

The adult human body requires about 88 pounds of oxygen daily.

It is very common for babies in New Zealand to sleep on sheepskins. This is to help them gain weight faster, and retain their body heat.

An average women has 17 square feet of skin. When a women is in her ninth month of pregnancy she has 18.5 square feet of skin.

The width of your armspan stretched out is the length of your whole body.

41% of women apply body or hand moisturizer a minimum three times a day.

Blonde Inventions

Some Inventions are simply better left uninvented:

Black highlighter

Waterproof tea bags

Braille driving manual

Dehydrated water

Screen door on a submarine

Helicopter ejection seat

Air conditioning for motorcycle

Left handed pencil

Wooden barbecue

Glow-in-the-dark sun dial

Gasoline fire extinguisher

Battery-powered battery charger

Clear correction fluid

Fake rhinestones

Fireproof matches

Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses

Mesh umbrella

Solar-powered flashlight

Top 15 Redneck Songs

15. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better

10. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight ‘Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win

9. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight

8. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I’d Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I’ve Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.