Funny One Line Jokes

New Year Nerd Resolutions

2011-12-31T08:30:00.000-08:00

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T
BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

An Internet Christmas

2011-12-27T11:34:00.000-08:00

T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

20 Steps to Cooking a Turkey - Thanksgiving Jokes - Jokesgalore.com

2011-11-05T07:07:00.000-07:00

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or vodka
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

20 Steps to Cooking a Turkey - Thanksgiving Jokes - Jokesgalore.com

Knock Knock 5 - Knock Knock Jokes - Jokesgalore.com

2011-11-05T07:05:00.000-07:00

Knock Knock 5 - Knock Knock Jokes - Jokesgalore.com: "Knock Knock
Who's there?
Berlin!
Berlin who?
Berlin the water for my hard boiled eggs!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bertha!
Bertha who?
Bertha-day greetings!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Beryl!
Beryl who?
Beryl of beer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Betty!
Betty who?
Betty ya don't know who this is!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Betty!
Betty who?
Betty-bye!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bibi!
Bibi who?
Bibi gun!"

'via Blog this'

Funny Marriage Jokes

2011-10-12T06:01:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached."Here, my love, enjoy!" Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."

Short One liner Jokes

2011-10-03T06:50:00.000-07:00

You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.

Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.

Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!

Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.

Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.

Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
A. Football.

Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.

Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.

Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.

Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!

Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.

Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

Goofy State Jokes

2011-09-22T07:42:00.000-07:00

Facebook Jokes One Liners

2011-09-10T05:46:00.000-07:00

Q: Why is a survey, proving Facebook users have lower grades than non-users pointless?
A: Because Facebook users tell everyone how stupid they are with their status updates on a daily basis!

Q: In addition to the social networking site Facebook where else can you find Mafia members?
A: "Controlling all the trash hauling in Second Life"

Q: What happened after three Duke football players were kicked off the team for gun possession? A: Gilbert Arenas sent them Facebook friend requests!

Q: Why should you create a Facebook Account with the name "Nobody"?
A: Because when somebody posts something stupid you can say "Nobody Likes This!"

Q: What happened when Dick Cheney tried to reach a younger demographic?
A: He shot Facebook in the face, while hunting for Twitter. Come to Myspace and Twitter my Yahoo Til' I Google all over your Facebook.

Q: When FaceBook, MySpace and Twitter merge into one super social networking company what will it be called?
A: They will call it "My Twit Face."

Q: Why is Facebook like Jail?
A: You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know!

Q: Why is Facebook a great site for loners?
A: Because it's the only place where they can talk to a wall and not be considered an loser!

Q: Why is Facebook like a refrigerator?
A: Because every few minutes you keep opening and closing it to see if there's anything good in it!

Q: How ugly was my ex-girlfriend/boyfriend?
A: So ugly that Facebook banned her/his profile pic and sent her back to Myspace!

Q: What happened after hackers shut down Twitter for a day?
A: Twitterers were relegated to communicating the old fashioned way, through Facebook!

Q: If Facebook is a loft in the city and Twitter is a house in the suburbs, what is Myspace?
A: A trailer park!

Q: What did the twitterer say before committing suicide?
A: My Facebook can remarry!

Q: Why did Atlanta Falcons lineman Quinn Ojinnaka post bail after getting into an altercation with his wife over facebook activity?
A: Because he was afraid of going to jail and really being poked!

Q: Why shouldn't you pay for a Classmates.com membership?
A: Because Myspace and Facebook are free!

Q: How do you know if your Fortune 500 CEO is a pedophile?
A: He has a facebook account!

Q: What happened after Miss New Jersey, Amy Polumbo, lost her crown due to racy pics being leaked from her Facebook Account?
A: Amy Polumbo received a million friend requests!

Q: How did the gringo get the hispanic day laborer pregnant?
A: By sending her a friend request on Facebook!

Q: Why did John Connor lead the resistance against the machines?
A: Skynet refused to give John a Facebook friend request!

Q: What happened after the "Spam King" was charged with hacking in 500,000 facebook accounts and sending 27 millon unwanted messages?
A: He was convicted and sentenced 4 years of hard labor on Farmville!

Q: Why is Germany threatening Facebook with legal action over its facial recognition software? A: They say it fails to identify which faces are Jewish!

Proof That Blondes Are Not Really Dumb

2011-09-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies, "Yes."

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to pr

ove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats.

Dumb Knock Knock Jokes

2011-07-12T10:00:00.001-07:00

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sybil!
Sybil who?
Sybil Simon met a pieman...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tad!
Tad who?
Tad's all folks!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Taipei!
Taipei who?
Taipei sixty words a minute is pretty fast!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tamara!
Tamara who?
Tamara the world!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tank!
Tank who?
Your welcome!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tyrone!
Tyrone who?
Tyrone shoelaces!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tyson!
Tyson who?
Tyson of this on for size!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uganda!
Uganda who?
Uganda get away with this!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uriah!
Uriah who?
Keep Uriah on the ball!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uruguay!
Uruguay who?
You go Uruguay and I'll go mine!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avocado!
Avocado who?
Avocado a cold!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Axel!
Axel who?
Axeldental Tourist!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atch!
Atch who?
I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Athena!
Athena who?
Athena flying saucer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Argo!
Argo who?
Argo down the shops!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna one, anna two...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna going to tell you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anne Boleyn!
Anne Boleyn who?
Anne Boleyn alley!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amin!
Amin who?
Amin thing to do!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ammonia!
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little kid!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Audrey!
Audrey who?
Audrey be doing this!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Augusta!
Augusta who?
Augusta go home now!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aunt Lou!
Aunt Lou who?
Aunt Lou do you think you are!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ashley!
Ashley who?
Ashley-t's foot!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Asia!
Asia who?
Asia you going to let me in then!

Anthony Weiner Jokes

2011-07-06T10:33:00.001-07:00

"Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he'll be allowed to keep his porn name ... Anthony Weiner." —Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice." —Jimmy Kimmel

"51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it." —Conan O'Brien

"What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?" —Jon Stewart

"I don't know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don't men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?!" —David Letterman

"This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house." —Jay Leno

"Democrats don't share our values. An elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for sex? Come on! At least Republican Chris Lee was trying to get some action! Republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. Ensign, Vitter, even when it's a gay scandal! They're not tweeting love letters. They're tearing up an airport bathroom until somebody calls the cops on them!" —Stephen Colbert

Funny Short Jokes

2011-01-02T10:07:00.000-08:00

Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.

Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.

Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
A. Football.

Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.

Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.

Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.

Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!

Dumb Blonde Jokes

2010-12-13T06:55:00.001-08:00

Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier..........

Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.

Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs?
A: Cos they've no idea of the route.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes Twinkle?
A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.

Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?
A: Got stuck in a hunter's trap, chewed off it's 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.

Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O.

To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with 'Please turn over' scribbled on both sides.

Redneck Computer Lingo

2010-12-08T10:29:00.000-08:00

Hard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys.

Window - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: "We gonna modem dandelions"

ROM - Liquor often mixed with Coke

Byte - Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word "me" or "this"

Cursor - The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

Tab - What you owe the bartender

Shift - How you get to a different gear.

RAM - Great truck

Edit - Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.

Internet - Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).

Fonts - That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

Laptop - Where the stripper sits.

Why ask Why Jokes

2010-12-07T07:41:00.000-08:00

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Blonde Jokes

2010-12-01T05:08:00.000-08:00

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.

Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
They can't remember the number.
OR: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A brunette with bad breath

What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Reservations.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Air bubbles.

What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
Divorcee'

What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?

What do you call a zit on a blonde's bum?
A brain tumor.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!

How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

Funny Sayings

2010-11-30T06:40:00.000-08:00

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink ’till she’s cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever – so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Funny Baby Jokes

2010-11-30T06:38:00.001-08:00

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning

crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?

A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

2010-11-24T23:57:00.000-08:00

Check out favorite quotes about Thanksgiving from comedians like Jon Stewart, Jim Gaffigan, Johnny Carson and more.
Jon Stewart: "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
Jim Gaffigan: "Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'"

Stephen Colbert: "Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."

Kevin James: "Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."

Funny One Liners-Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

2010-11-21T10:52:00.000-08:00

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Christmas Dog

2010-11-20T11:09:00.002-08:00

Boy i hate the holidays!

Christmas Deer

2010-11-20T11:09:00.001-08:00

A Redneck Christmas decoration?

Famous Dog Quotes

2010-11-15T02:03:00.000-08:00

A dog is the only thing in the world that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings

We give dogs the time we can spare, the space we can spare and the love we can spare. In return, dogs give us their all. It is the best deal we have ever made.
- M. Acklam

Do not accept your dog's admiration as being conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
- Ann Landers

I wonder if other dogs think poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

The reason a dog has lots of friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.
- Unknown

The average dog is a much nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney

There is no psychiatrist to be found anywhere in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams

Dogs love their friends but bite their enemies. That is quite unlike people. We are not capable of pure love and always mix love and hate.
- Sigmund Freud

Cats and women will do as they please. Dogs and men need to relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein

If your dog is too fat, you are not getting enough exercise
- Unknown

A child's dog teaches them fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

Have you ever consider what your dog must think of you? I mean, you come home from the grocery with the most amazing stuff, pork, chicken, half a cow. They must think you're the greatest hunter on earth!
- Anne Tyler

Anyone who doesn't know what soap tastes like has never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones

Why Ask Why Jokes

2010-11-11T07:30:00.000-08:00

Only in America Jokes

2010-11-11T06:14:00.000-08:00

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

Funny Pickup Lines

2010-11-10T06:32:00.000-08:00

If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?
Will you read my palm? [I don't see anything.] I didn't expect you to because love is blind.
Did you drop something? [What?] Your conversation, so let's pick it up right here.
Can I have your picture? [Why?] So I can show santa what I want for christmas!
Damn.....your ass is fine! Want to come see mine?
You dropped something. [What?] My jaw.
That's a nice dog/cat/pet. Does it have a phone number?
Do you mind if we share this cab to my house?
Baby, you're sexier than socks on a rooster.
Do you have a band-aid? [Why?] I hurt my knee when I fell for you.
What do you say we play some football? You can have first down!
You're like pizza. Even when you're bad, you're good.
You had better phone the firefighters in advance, cause when you're done with me, we'll be on fire!
Lets make like fabric softener and Snuggle!
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
Hi, who's your friend?
Are you an Alien? [No, why?] Because you just abducted my heart.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Can I borrow your library card? [Why?] Cause I'm checking you out.
Drop an ice cube and say 'Now that we've broken the ice, my name is...'

Funny Redneck Jokes

2010-11-10T01:46:00.000-08:00

Redneck Joke 01
You might be a redneck if a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

Redneck Joke 02
You might be a redneck if a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.

Redneck Joke 03
You might be a redneck if all of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch.

Redneck Joke 04
You might be a redneck if all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.

Redneck Joke 05
You might be a redneck if all you want for Christmas is deer pee.

Redneck Joke 06
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

Redneck Joke 07
You might be a redneck if any of your children were conceived under a stop light.

Redneck Joke 08
You might be a redneck if any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.

Redneck Joke 09
You might be a redneck if any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.

Redneck Joke 10
You might be a redneck if anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

Funny Pickup Lines

2010-11-09T07:10:00.000-08:00

You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
You don't need car keys to drive me crazy.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You sure have a great looking tooth.
I wish I were sine squared and you were cosined squared, because together we could be one.
I'm feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? [No, why?] 'Cause I can see me in your pants.
May I have some kisses up here, please.
If a star fell from the sky every time I thought about you, then tonight the sky would be empty.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
Haven't I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
You want me. I can smell it.
If you were a drug, I would overdose!
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I'd have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that's you.
[Note: for use when someone you know is getting married] Hi, I'm throwing the bachelor/bachelorette party for a friend of mine, and I need a stripper. Interested?
Is your dad a baker? [No. Why?] Cause you have some nice buns.
I don't speak in tongues, but I kiss that way.
If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

You So Ugly Jokes

2010-11-09T06:19:00.000-08:00

You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.

You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.

You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.

You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.

You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.

You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.

You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.

You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.

You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.

You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.

You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.

You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.

You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.

You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.

You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.

Amazing body Facts

2010-11-08T05:19:00.000-08:00

Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles (274 km) per hour.

The thyroid cartilage is more commonly known as the adams apple.

The only jointless bone in your body is the hyoid bone in your throat

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Your stomach needs to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it would digest itself.

It takes the interaction of 72 different muscles to produce human speech.

The average life of a taste bud is 10 days.

The average cough comes out of your mouth at 60 miles (96.5 km) per hour.

Relative to size, the strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

When you sneeze, all your bodily functions stop even your heart.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

Children grow faster in the springtime.

It takes the stomach an hour to break down cow milk.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people do.

Ugly Jokes

2010-11-05T06:18:00.000-07:00

You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.

If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.

You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.

You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control...your face will do just fine.

You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.

You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.

You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.

You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.

You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.

You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.

You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.

You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.

Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.

You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.

You're so ugly, every time your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've
just given head."

I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field.

You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.

You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.

You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.

You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."

You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.

You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.

You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.

You're so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.

You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.

You're so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.

You're so ugly, you can't hail a bus.

You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.

You're so ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger nightmares.

You're so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces.

You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.

You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out.

You're so ugly, you can't get a date off the calendar.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.

You're so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.

You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.

You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into yogurt, just by looking at it.

You're so ugly, people create a Jackson Pollock style painting when they spew on the

The Dumbest Sayings

2010-11-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

Short Jokes

2010-11-04T05:23:00.000-07:00

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the opossum that it could be done.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.

How does a pig go to the hospital?
In a hambulance.

What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Classic One Liner Jokes

2010-11-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
National Atheist's Day April 1st.
All generalizations are false.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
No matter where you go, you're there.
It's been Monday all week.
Gravity always gets me down.
This statement is false.
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Life is too complicated in the morning.
We are all part of the ultimate statistic-ten out of ten die.
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
Evolution: True science fiction.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Your body is made of 70% water. If you drink water, then, does that make you a cannibal?

Clean Short Jokes

2010-11-02T09:17:00.000-07:00

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"

Clean One Liner Jokes

2010-11-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

What do you call a camal with 3 humps?
Humphreys

What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies !

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose off

What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer

What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.

What is a dogs favourite school subject?
"Dog-Ruff-E "

Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the Parots-ate-em-all

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick

Inspirational sayings

2010-11-02T06:17:00.000-07:00

"Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life."
"We're to blessed to be depressed."

"Failure is the mother of success."

"Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive."

"Snowflakes are some of nature's most fragile things,
but just look what happens when they stick together."

"Everyone gets butterflies - the trick is getting them to fly in formation."

"Change is inevitable except from a vending machine."

"Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends."

"You don't want everything, think about it where would you put it?"

"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return.
It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."
Arthur C. Clarke

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."
Phyllis Diller

"A laugh is a smile that bursts."
Mary H. Waldrip

"A comedian does funny things.
A good comedian does things funny."
Buster Keaton

"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."
Mark Twain

Halloween One Liners

2010-10-24T06:18:00.001-07:00

1) What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
Hello, hello, hello.

2) What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A boo-loney sandwich.

3) What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.

4) What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?
A wash-and-werewolf.

5) What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.

6) What is a witch with poison ivy called?
An itchy witchy.

7) Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend.

8) Where do vampires live?
In the Vampire State Building.

9) Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

10) What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel.

11) What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

12) What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound.

13) Why are black cats such good singers?
They're very mewsical.

14) What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north.

15) What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
Hallowieners.

16) Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
In noisery school.

17) What does a goblin shop for?
Grosseries.

18) How can you tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders.

19) What do you call serious rocks?
Grave stones.

20) Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience? She had to give a screech.

Funny Amazing Facts

2010-10-22T05:56:00.000-07:00

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but mens noses and ears never stop growing.

When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.

Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

Funny Questions

2010-10-10T15:27:00.000-07:00

1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. How did a fool and his money get together?

4. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

5. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

6. What's another word for thesaurus?

7. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

8. What do they use to ship styrofoam?

9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

10. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

11. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

14. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

17. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

18. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

19. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

20. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Funny Headlines

2010-10-10T15:24:00.000-07:00

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Redneck Computer Terms

2010-10-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

Corny Pickup Lines

2010-10-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Are you a parking ticket? 'cause you got fine-fine-fine written all over ya.

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!

Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just took my heart away!

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!

I'm not wearing any pants.

You have been very naughty! Go to my room!

Mind if i stand here until it's safe where i farted

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under

If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

When God made you, he was showing off

It's not my fault I fell in love, you're the one who tripped me!

Alcohol Warning Jokes

2010-09-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Funny Baby Jokes

2010-09-28T14:49:00.000-07:00

Funny Geeky Pickup Lines Funny Pics

2010-09-16T23:33:00.000-07:00

You had me at "Hello World."
You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime.
My 'up-time' is better than BSD.
Are you an angel, because your texture mapping is divine!
You've stolen the ASCII to my heart.
You got me stuck on Caps Lock, if you know what I mean.
How about we do a little peer-to-peer saliva swapping?

Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
Your beauty rivals the graphics of Doom 3.
You must be Windows 95 because you gots me so unstable.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up.
Want to see my Red Hat?
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
You put the SPARC in my workstation.
You make my software turn into hardware!
Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com?
I'd switch to emacs for you.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a chatroom like this?
No, that's not a Logitech MX-100 in my pants, but thanks for noticing.
Nice Set of Floppies!
I think you could be an integral part of my project life cycle.

Wife One Liner Jokes

2010-09-16T03:19:00.000-07:00

I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

Tongue Twister

2010-09-15T13:20:00.000-07:00

Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.

Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.

Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.

Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.

Six shiny snails sighed sadly.

Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.

Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.

Six seals slick sick seals.

How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?

Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.

I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.

I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.

Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore

Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!

Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?

You Are A Redneck If These apply to you

2010-09-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Funny Saying

2010-09-09T03:27:00.000-07:00

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
-- Ronald Reagan

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
-- Bill Cosby

I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
-- Dreams For An Insomniac

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
-- George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-- George Carlin

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Fred Allen

If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
-- Mark Twain

Nothing is over until we decide it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!!
-- Animal House

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
-- Burt Bacharach

People are too durable, that's their main trouble. They can do too much to themselves, they last too long.
-- Bertolt Brecht

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
-- Edward Flaherty

2010 Redneck Census Form

2010-09-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

The official year 2010 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_)Billy-Bob
(_)Billy-Joe
(_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue
(_)Billy-Mae
(_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_)Booger
(_)Bubba
(_)Junior
(_)Sissy
(_)Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure,guess)

Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed
(_)Dirty Politician
(_)Preacher

Spouse's Name:_____________

2nd Spouse's Name:_______________

3rd Spouse's Name:_______________

Lover's Name:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Sister
(_)Brother
(_)Aunt
(_)Uncle
(_)Cousin
(_)Mother
(_)Father
(_)Son
(_)Daughter
(_)Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____

Number of the children living in the shed:_____

Number that are yours:_____

Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)

(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck
____bedroom
____bathroom
____kitchen
____shed

Model and year of your pickup:196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe?
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_)Blond
(_)Black
(_)Red
(_)Brown
(_)White
(_)Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_)White
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_)road?

Funny Short Jokes

2010-09-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
--------------------------------------
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
------------------------------------------
What is da true meaning of 'Study' ???
.-
S. Sleeping
T. Talking
U. Unlimited tafreh
D. Dreaming
Y. Yawning

-----------------------------------------------
When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
----------------------------------------------
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
--------------------------------------------
MISSED CALL Means -
"M"Ost
"I"Nnovative
"S"Tylish
"S"Till
"E"Ffecti Ve
"D"Evice

"C"Onveying
"A"Pnapan
"L"Ove and
"L"Oneliness
------------------------------------
F..R..I..E..N..D

*Field of love*
*Root of joy*
*Island of God*
*End of sorrows*
*Name of hope*
*Door of understanding* (=

Funny Sayings From The Bathroom Wall

2010-08-30T10:07:00.000-07:00

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Mass.

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia, Penna.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?".
Rest stop off Route 81, W. Va.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men's restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

To do is to be. (Descartes) To be is to do. (Voltaire) Do be do be do. (Frank Sinatra)
Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Ariz.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Ariz.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both - get married!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Mont.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books, New York, N.Y.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Funny Bumper Stickers

2010-08-30T10:03:00.000-07:00

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
"No, mister Budweiser, I haven't had any officers tonight."
"Sir, I seem to be stuck." (Data) "Well, get unstuck." (Picard)
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
(001) Logic Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience does not prevent sin, it only prevents you from enjoying it.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A day without sunshine is like ... night.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. And state lotteries are a tax on the mathmatically challenged.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All life's answers are on TV - Bart Simpson
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS - I married with their King.
All work and no play will make you a manager.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Alone: In bad company.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

Funny Bumper Stickers

2010-08-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All life's answers are on TV - Bart Simpson
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS - I married with their King.
All work and no play will make you a manager.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Alone: In bad company.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

Funny Pickup Lines

2010-08-20T06:58:00.001-07:00

If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.

If a thousand painters worked for a thousand years, they could not create a work of art as beautiful as you.

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

I was wondering if you had an extra heart mine seems to have been stolen

There isn't a word in the dictionary for how good you look.

Me without you is like a nerd without braces, A shoe without laces, aSentenceWithoutSpaces

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

When I'm older, I'll look back at all of my crowning memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

I must be a snowflake, because I've fallen for you.

Are you an interior decorator? When i saw you the room became beautiful.

There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it.

Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!

You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room.

Do you have a twin sister? Then you must be the most beautiful girl in the world!

You look beautiful today, just like every other day.

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something. MY JAW!

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

Funny or Not So Funny Pickup Lines

2010-08-20T06:41:00.000-07:00

I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.

I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.

If I were a stop light, I'd turn red everytime you passed by, just so I could stare at you a bit longer.

Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.

You'd better direct that beauty somewhere else, you'll set the carpet on fire.

If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.

Sorry, but you owe me a drink. [Why?] Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?

Can I have directions? [To where?] To your heart.

Do you have a BandAid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.

Be unique and different, say yes.

Do you have a map? I'm getting lost in your eyes.

Fascinating. I've been looking at your eyes all night long, 'cause I've never seen such dark eyes with so much light in them.

Most people like to watch the Olympics, because they only happen once every 4 years, but I'd rather talk to you cause the chance of meeting someone so special only happens once in a lifetime.

You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.

You shouldn't wear makeup. It's messing with perfection!

Funny Pickup Lines

2010-08-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

Kiss me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Guadalupe?

You know what your remind me of? [what?] Lucky Charms, You want to know why? [why?] Because you're magically delicious!

I can read palms. {write your # on their hand} Oh it says your going to call me soon!

So long as we're in the theatre....why don't we get some play?

If you were ice cream and I were hot chocolate I'd pour all my love onto you.

You must be Jamaican, cause you Jamaican me crazy.

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

It's my birthday! How about a birthday kiss? "Is it really your birthday?" No, but how about a kiss anyway?

I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.

Darling, if you were cocaine I'd OVERDOSE!

If you were a wedgie, I'd pick you!

Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?

I lost my virginity... can I have yours?

Do you sleep on your stomach? [yes/no] Can I?

Are your parents retarded? 'cuz DANG your special!

Do you have a quarter? [Why?] I told my boyfriend/girlfriend that I would call him/her when I found someone better.

Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.

Do you have a bandage? I hurt my knee when I fell in love with you.

You are like a glass of milk... you do the body good.

Fat penguin. [What?] I just wanted to say something to break the ice.

I'm not feeling myself today, can I feel you?

Are you a light switch? Cause I want to turn you on!

Where is your mother? [Why?] Because you're too young to be here without an adult.

You spend so much time in my dreams I should charge rent!

Want to get some air? You took my breath away!

How much does a polar bear weigh? [I don't know, how much?] Just enough to break the ice. Hi my name is....

Break Up Quotes

2010-08-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.

Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.

It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.

Take away love and our earth is a tomb.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

The heart was made to be broken.

Everyone tells me I should forget about you, you don’t deserve me. They’re right, you don’t deserve me, but I deserve you.

When you break up, your whole identity is shattered. You are no longer alive.

I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.

It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you

Sometimes the person you really need is the one you didn’t think you wanted.

Moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

Funny Pickup Lines

2010-08-18T05:56:00.000-07:00

I'm a raindrop and I'm falling for you.

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet

I must be a Snowflake, becuase I've fallen for you.

I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn't so shy, I would tell you who it is.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Are you religious? [Why?] Because you're the answer to my prayers.

Can I lick that film off your teeth?

Can you give me directions...to your heart?

Did they just take you out of the oven? [No, why?] Because you're hot!

Do you have a map? [No, why?] Because I just got lost in your eyes.

Don't be so picky... I wasn't!

Falling for you would be a very short trip.

Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I'm asking for only one.

I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Let's go behind that rock, and get a little boulder.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

Remember me? Oh, that's right, I've met you only in my dreams.

Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.

What do you like for breakfast?

Classic Funny One Liners

2010-08-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

More Funny Pickup Lines

2010-08-09T03:40:00.000-07:00

Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.

Hi, who's your friend?

Are you an Alien? [No, why?] Because you just abducted my heart.

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Can I borrow your library card? [Why?] Cause I'm checking you out.

Drop an ice cube and say 'Now that we've broken the ice, my name is...'

Are you bored? [No, why?] Because i really want to nail you.

Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?

Are those astronaunt pants? Cause that ass is out of this world!

Are you sure that you're not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!

Your feet must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

You must be the cause of global warming!

Are you from Tennessee? [No, why?] Because you're the only 10 I see!

What's your sign?

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?

Got any raisins? [No.] Then how about a date?

Funny Bumper Stickers

2010-08-02T08:04:00.000-07:00

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

Honk! If you want to see my finger

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Constipated People Don't Give ACrap.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

Dorky Pickup Lines

2010-07-27T03:12:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? [No, why?] 'Cause I can see me in your pants.

May I have some kisses up here, please.

If a star fell from the sky every time I thought about you, then tonight the sky would be empty.

My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

Haven't I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?

If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.

You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.

You want me. I can smell it.

If you were a drug, I would overdose!

If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I'd have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that's you.

[Note: for use when someone you know is getting married] Hi, I'm throwing the bachelor/bachelorette party for a friend of mine, and I need a stripper. Interested?

Is your dad a baker? [No. Why?] Cause you have some nice buns.

I don't speak in tongues, but I kiss that way.

If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger? [No.] Then wink.

You know, we were born without clothes.

Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?

Like alcohol to the alcoholic,
Like chocolate to the chocoholic,
You are the [name] to the [name]holic.

(preferabally for use on men/women that have an A or O as the last letter of their first name.)
If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?

Will you read my palm? [I don't see anything.] I didn't expect you to because love is blind.

Did you drop something? [What?] Your conversation, so let's pick it up right here.

Can I have your picture? [Why?] So I can show santa what I want for christmas!

Damn.....your ass is fine! Want to come see mine?

You dropped something. [What?] My jaw.

That's a nice dog/cat/pet. Does it have a phone number?

Do you mind if we share this cab to my house?

Baby, you're sexier than socks on a rooster.

Do you have a band-aid? [Why?] I hurt my knee when I fell for you.

What do you say we play some football? You can have first down!

You're like pizza. Even when you're bad, you're good.

You had better phone the firefighters in advance, cause when you're done with me, we'll be on fire!

Lets make like fabric softener and Snuggle!

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?

Funny Pick up Lines

2010-07-23T02:07:00.000-07:00

Funny State Slogans

2010-07-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense Against The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,& Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker -- WOO-EEE!!!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right to An Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco IS A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep, syrup!

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...and the sheep are scared!

Thaks to SongsForAmerica.com-Funny State Slogans

Proverbs and One Liners

2010-07-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

Light travels faster then sound... which is why most people appear brilliant until you hear them.

Happiness is like a butterfly, which when pursued is just beyond your grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly may alight upon you. (Hawthorne)

There are two kinds of people, those who do the work, and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there. (Indira Gandhi)

The larger the lake of knowledge the longer the shore of wonder.

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace.
(Jimi Hendrix)

There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

You were born as an original. Don't die as a copy.
He who feels that he is too small to make a difference has never been bitten by a mosquito.
If I knew grandchildren were going to be this much fun, I would have had them first!

If you let go of the past, it no longer has a hold on you.

There is a certain freedom in having nothing left to lose.

Rules + Regulations - Relationships = Resentment + Rebellion.

When I stand before the Lord, I'd rather explain why I went, rather than why I didn't go.

We do what we believe, the rest is just a bunch of religious talk.

Of course men can multitask, they read on the toilet.

Why Ask Why, One Liners

2010-07-20T12:42:00.001-07:00

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?

Funny Why ask Why One Liners Jokes

2010-07-20T08:59:00.000-07:00

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

If all is not lost, where is it?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Funny Monkey Jokes

2010-07-19T08:03:00.000-07:00

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A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet.

All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"

"Standard pricing practice," said the vet. "The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!".
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woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals. The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved to by zookeepers. This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo. It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar, "Thanks; but we prefer fruit."
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My monkey plays chess.
Your monkey plays chess? He must be clever!
Not really, I usually beat him three times out of four!
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A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?"

The mother replied, "I don't know, son. I never met your father's folks."
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A monkey walks into a drugstore and orders a fifty-cent sundae. He puts down a ten-dollar bill to pay for it.

The clerk thinks, "What can a monkey know about money?" So he hands back a single dollar in change and says, "You know, we don't get many monkeys in here."

"No wonder," answers the monkey, "At these prices you won't get many more."
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Funny Quotes

2010-07-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Josh Billings

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
Satchel Paige

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz

Funny Ads

2010-07-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

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Funny One Liners-Why ask Why?

2010-07-10T06:07:00.000-07:00

Funny One Liner Jokes-Why Ask?

2010-07-10T04:15:00.000-07:00

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist

but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"?

If Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?

Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

What's another word for synonym?

So what's the speed of dark?

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding,
what is it expanding into?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior
when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why is it that in the US:
If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi,
terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!"

Funny One Liner Jokes About The Wife

2010-07-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

"I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single?"
I've been married for 49 years. (or it seems like 49 years....) Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...

My ex-con friend recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs....."

Top Ten Things Dad Won't Say-Fathers Day

2010-06-17T07:30:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

Some Cool T-Shirts Like Oil Sucks

2010-06-17T07:23:00.000-07:00

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Some cool t-shirt designs on relaxtees.com

BP Oil Spill Cartoons and Jokes

2010-06-15T08:58:00.000-07:00

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"The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." —Jimmy Fallon

"A few days ago, Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden's house. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis." —Jimmy Fallon

"BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean." —Jimmy Fallon

Crazy Fun One Liners

2010-06-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for $1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!

Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.

Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!

Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?

This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....sh*t...I got wrong number...SORRY :)

I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!

On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Nope.....u still ugly!

Funny One Liners Jokes

2010-06-14T08:02:00.000-07:00

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for $1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!

Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.

Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!

Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Funny One Liners

Classic Fun One Liners

2010-06-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

What do you call a cow with no legs??
Ground beef.

The road to success is always under CONSTRUCTION!

A horse went into a bar. The barman said..."Why the long face?"

Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?

A. Getting r*ped.

Q: Whats big, red, and looks like a bucket?
A: A big, red bucket.

Q: What do you call a monkey on a mine field ?
A: a baboom

Q : What is the difference between women and magnets ?
A : Magnets have also positive side.

Q: What is the biggest mouse in the world?
A: Enormous.

My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.

Q: What do u find in an empty nose?
A: Finger prints.

Classic Funny One Liners

2010-06-08T01:22:00.000-07:00

Funny Quotes about Women

2010-05-27T01:19:00.000-07:00

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-- Margaret Thatcher

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.
-- Dick Van Dyke

For me there are only two type of women: goddesses and doormats.
-- Pablo Picasso

All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.
-- Miguel De Cervantes

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
-- Marcel Achard

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.
-- Sean Williamson

A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.
-- Gloria Steinem

You don't know a women till you've met her in court.
-- Norman Mailer

The lovely thing about being 40 is that you can appreciate 25 year old men more.
-- Colleen McCullough

My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures.
-- Michael Caine (Alfie, 1966)

Top 10 Reasons You know you're addicted to Facebook

2010-05-24T06:22:00.000-07:00

1) You check your facebook account more then one time every hour

2) you visit sites that list reasons you know your addicted to
facebook.

3) You relationship status is only official if its been updated on
facebook

4) You're one of the few people who actually use facebook chat

5) You take pictures for the sole reason of tagging them on
facebook

6) You find yourself saying things like "I will tag you in this
photo" when you are out

7) You tell (more like force) people to join facebook.

8) You have several facebook friends that you've never actually
met in person

9) You like to be poked and you like poking in return

10) The world "poke" is no longer considered something physical to
you

Funny One Liner Jokes

2010-05-14T09:52:00.000-07:00

Don’t hate me because I m good, Hate me because I know it!!

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Do u believe in love at first sight or do i have to walk past u again?

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Intel inside……….fool is out side.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Marriage One Liner

2010-05-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!

Married man live longer than a single man, but married man are lot more willing to die!

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.

Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in remembering two people the same thing.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.

Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living. - God forbid.

Marriage is a romantic story, in which hero dies in the first chapter."

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. -Sam Kinison

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -H. L. Mencken

Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

TV has no place in love. Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is dinner in your favorite restaurant. Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

In love you go to bed early. After marriage, you go to sleep early.

One Liner Jokes

2010-05-12T06:54:00.000-07:00

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And SeekCounseling.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

Funny Marriage One Liner Jokes

2010-05-12T03:25:00.000-07:00

Hilarious One Liners

2010-05-07T05:14:00.000-07:00

"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.

Sanjay : "I passed your house yesterday."
Anil : "Thanks I appreciate it."
Hilarious One Liners

More Funny One Liners

2010-05-07T05:13:00.000-07:00

Do u believe in love at first sight or do i have to walk past u again?

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Intel inside……….fool is out side.

I removed L from LOVER…….n now its all OVER !!!

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Funny One Liners

Scary Fast Food Facts

2010-05-05T00:41:00.000-07:00

Fast food facts from the Super Size Me Web site

Each day, 1 in 4 Americans visits a fast food restaurant
In 1972, we spent 3 billion a year on fast food - today we spend more than $110 billion
McDonald's feeds more than 46 million people a day - more than the entire population of Spain
French fries are the most eaten vegetable in America
You would have to walk for seven hours straight to burn off a Super Sized Coke, fry and Big Mac
In the U.S., we eat more than 1,000,000 animals an hour
60 percent of all Americans are either overweight or obese
One in every three children born in the year 2000 will develop diabetes in their lifetime
Left unabated, obesity will surpass smoking as the leading cause of preventable death in America
Obesity has been linked to: Hypertension, Coronary Heart Disease, Adult Onset Diabetes, Stroke, Gall Bladder Disease, Osteoarthritis, Sleep Apnea, Respiratory Problems, Endometrial, Breast, Prostate and Colon Cancers, Dyslipidemia, steatohepatitis, insulin resistance, breathlessness, Asthma, Hyperuricaemia, reproductive hormone abnormalities, polycystic ovarian syndrome, impaired fertility and lower back pain
The average child sees 10,000 TV advertisements per year
Only seven items on McDonald's entire menu contain no sugar
Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald - he was fired for being too fat
McDonald's distributes more toys per year than Toys-R-Us
Diabetes will cut 17-27 years off your life
McDonald's: "Any processing our foods undergo make them more dangerous than unprocessed foods"
The World Health Organization has declared obesity a global epidemic
Eating fast food may be dangerous to your health
McDonald's calls people who eat a lot of their food "heavy users"
McDonald's operates more than 30,000 restaurants in more then 100 countries on 6 continents
Before most children can speak they can recognize McDonald's
Surgeon General David Satcher: "Fast food is a major contributor to the obesity epidemic"
Most nutritionists recommend not eating fast food more than once a month
40 percent of American meals are eaten outside the home
McDonald's represents 43% of total U.S. fast food market

Funny Jokes:Advantages Of Being A Woman

2010-04-24T00:56:00.000-07:00

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Funny Random One Liners

2010-04-17T07:27:00.001-07:00

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Funny Random One liners

2010-04-17T07:26:00.001-07:00

He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.

Funny Random One Liners

2010-04-17T07:25:00.000-07:00

Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Funny One Liners-Random Jokes

2010-04-17T07:24:00.000-07:00

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Funny Love Quotes

2010-04-17T01:34:00.000-07:00

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?
-- Rita Rudner

Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate.
-- Sandra J. Dykes

All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.
-- Shelley Winters

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
-- Steve Martin

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.
-- Thomas Hardy

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.
-- Cathy Carlyle

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
-- Cecilia Egan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
-- Cher

Men aren't necessities, they're luxuries.
-- Cher

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.
-- Dorothy Parker

I'm always looking for meaningful one night stands.
-- Dudley Moore

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
-- Erma Bombeck

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
-- Fran Lebowitz

It is impossible to love and be wise.
-- Francis Bacon

Marriage marks the end of many short follies - being one long stupidity.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Funny Quotes

2010-04-09T06:53:00.000-07:00

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Happy Easter

2010-04-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

The Night Before Easter

'Twas the night before Easter. All was calm and laid back.
Fred, the mouse in the kitchen, snarfed down a late snack.
The eggs were all dyed but still drippy and sticky...
To be honest, they looked just a little bit icky.
There were big jelly beans, chocolate bunnies and such,
And as Fred stuffed his face, he sighed, "This is too much!"
Phil and Rose were in bed watching late night TV,
While munching saltines with low-sodium Brie.

Then a sudden commotion rang out in the night.
It shook Phil and Rose, really gave them a fright.
Phil's hair stood on end, and his eyes bugged out big...
Rose whipped off the covers and knocked off her wig.

They lunged to the window, yanked open the blinds...
What they saw was amazing; it boggled their minds:
Across the night sky, with a noise like the dickens,
Soared a minivan drawn by eight overgrown chickens!

At the wheel sat a bunny -- cute, fuzzy and fat --
In designer blue jeans and a Panama hat.
Like a speeding space shuttle, those chickens they flew,
As the van driver called to each hen in his crew:

"Now, Ashley! Now, Sheila! Now, Kelsey and Bo!
On Bethany, Liza! On Daphne, on Flo!"
The van made its landing lickety-split ...
Nearly wiped out the shrubs and the barbecue pit!

Then up on the roof, much to Phil's consternation,
They squawked of egg prices and space navigation.
They made so much noise that Phil started to stammer,
"If you guys don't shut up, we'll get thrown in the slammer!"

Fuzzy hopped down the chimney, amidst all this racket,
And emerged from the fireplace, adjusting his jacket.
This bunny was chic, he had class, he had flair ..
Not your average bozo, not your typical hare.

His ears were enormous; his huge overbite
Was right under a nose like a pink neon light.
His manner was smooth, he was hip, he was cool;
This floppy-eared bunny was no fuzzy fool.

"While I'm here," he smiled, "Everybody relaxes ...
I'm not selling storm windows, won't audit your taxes.
I'm just here to bring you some fun and delight.
Eat, drink, and be merry! Let's party tonight!"

So they sipped diet soda and swapped silly jokes,
Those birds and their bunny just being plain folks.
Then flop-ears said, "Hey, friends, we've had quite a ball,
But my chickens and I are now due in St. Paul!"

He crossed both his eyes. Then he wiggled one ear,
And he yelled to his chicken team, "We're outta here!"
As the minivan rose in the 3 a.m. sky,
He called out, "Later, Phil! And to you, Rose, good-bye!"

As he sped out of sight, his two friends heard him say,
"Happy Easter to all! Have a beautiful day!"

Girls night out:Drunk Joke

2010-03-26T03:30:00.000-07:00

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'